A Look AT 2016

Hello My Loves,
 
    As I sit here and think about 2016. I must say I am extremely proud of my self. At first I couldn't see past sleeping alone and now I just see the endless possibilities. Ive learned to push myself, process, and proceed. Those are my three p's. I was really hurt and for quite some time I wore it in ways that not only affected my friendships, but work and family. Once I made the decision to let go it was even harder but it was possible. In March I pushed myself to clean up everything we had together that I was left with. I also obtained my real estate license, and I'm a notary public. I have a few things up my sleeve and with God I know more doors are opening.
     There were many nights I laid there crying, even had moments at work where I would close my office door and just cry then I would dry my eyes and get back to work. I buried myself in expectation for myself. I wanted more for me. Before I felt so weak for allowing myself to be so hurt for loving so hard. Now I'm just trusting that it was not in vain. I wish I could express how good it feels to be able to just tell you how I feel when I get emails from you guys about your progress and journeys into loving yourself. It makes me happy to know my situation helps. Focusing on you is a good thing. Rushing your healing is a bad thing it only leaves open wounds that must heal. Building who you are should be the focus. Everyone heals differently and at different times. However lets focus on being a whole person instead of a half.
     I just want to say thank you for being here with me. Both ups and downs your thoughtful words and prayers have truly helped. You deserve real love its just a little harder to find it in a world full of broken people. Don't rush your dating process get to know each other for who you truly are and not what you are trying to force them to be.

~Kai

Be Careful With Your Heart

Hey My Loves!

    So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.

  Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.

     Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.

    I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.

My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.

~Kai

Quick Follow Up & Q n A

Hey My Loves,

     What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
    
     I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.

     Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned

Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about

A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.

Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?

A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.

~Kai

What Total Forgiveness Feels Like

Heyyy Loves! Today I realized something absolutely amazing! I realized where I am in life. Do you have any idea what it feels like when your praying not to let your past control your future? I remember asking God to just let it hurt me for as long as he needed it to. Let my hurt do what it must let however long  it was going to take because at the end of the day I wanted to be able to totally forgive my ex I refused to hate my ex. No matter what I knew that hate would affect me for a very long time. Instead I chose to love from a distance and trust God. I tried so many ways to just get closure and understanding. I tried so hard to understand what I did so wrong? How was I not the one for my ex? When I would do absolutely anything for us. Wow?

     Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were  true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!

  I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful  . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.

As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.

~Kai

Reflection: My Truth

Everybody who has ever hurt me, or lied on me I forgive you and I still love you.. none of us are perfect. I just have no desire to have you apart of my life. Life is just 2 short 2 respond to every negative thing people say about you. Yes, I heard what you said, what you posted and the other things as well. If it makes you feel better 2 paint a negative picture of me go ahead. If you can sit in a room and pass judgement on me & what I dealt with like it's nothing go right ahead. Does it somewhat bother me?  Yes, it does because I never saw you doing that to me.  I just don't have it in me to do anyone that way so I won't drop down to that  level. LIFE is 2 short. I would never expect you to understand my hurt that's between me and my God. Instead I'll just say I'll never change my heart for someone who changed theirs towards me. God created the light trust and believe he will shine it on the situation when he sees fit. No love lost

Kai*

Living Vs. Dying: Reflection

The end of the year is approaching fast. It's October already and then this is when it all began to happen. The death of my step father and little brother from my first relationship. Then another individual who touched my heart after the passing of my grandfather. We hear it often that life is short, but its more than that. Life is hard and confusing. Who is it safe to love? Who is it safe to trust? Losing those people changed me it made me realize I didn't want to die next. Seeing them leave me remembering the hurt it gave me the motivation to fight myself what I dealing with health wise and to also deal with my heart. I needed my life back. Who I was back and a better version of me.  I wanted to be able to breathe again. My heart was tired of feeling like a knife was constantly being twisted in it. I finally said I couldn't hold on anymore to the hope that I had in my heart. I finally let go of the promises. Three people died before the end of the year and I just snapped. There It was! Reality in my face! I pressed pause on my life waiting. Waiting for us to be together again. I figured why would I date anyone else talk to anyone else. The thought of it literally made me sick. Attending two funeral will have that effect on you. It makes you look at your life. You reevaluate everyone and everything because it could all be gone tomorrow. I no longer wanted people in my life who showed that me being apart of their life wasn't as important to them as it was to me. I didn't want to cry anymore over someone who was okay with leaving our situation the way it was. Now I can look back on last year and just thank God for this year. I am truly blessed and alive. My heart is still big and I am learning daily to be the best version of myself now. I'm still trusting God.

Kai

Loving YourSelf 101: Being Who I Am

Its been a few months since I posted anything. I believe I just had to take a few steps back a few situations occurred and I found myself feeling completely blind sided by a few people I thought were actually close to me. It hurts but somehow I've finally got to the point where I say "okay God" "What do you want me to do" Sometimes its best to step back and analyze the situations before you make final decisions. I have definitely changed and I realize that I'm constantly in the process of changing. Getting to know me is realizing that I can't let those two relationships or friendships define who I am because they are not me. No matter how real my love is for people in my life if they don't display that to me then ultimately I am losing in the end. No portion of me hates them I will always love them in the Lord. People who don't show you remorse or make situations about them are not the people you can have around to assist you in making positive decisions in your life. Being who I am means that I will continue to love just as much as I did before in both relationships and friendships. However, this time I wont continue to trust people who don't respect me enough to protect me or to value what we had like I would.  I don't expect anyone to be just like me, or do things the way I will but loving yourself is understanding that some times you must love someone from a distance. Never allow hatred or forgiveness in your heart. Wake up and spread the love and joy you have inside because God Blessed you with it.

In Comparison to Death

When I first began blogging I entitled it Lyfe: Living vs Dying. At the time of my first entry I had been down and out over my break up. It was 11 months since we broke up.  I felt like I should have been over it and you can tell when people wish you would just stop talking about it already. I was tired of crying, waking up screaming, and the part where every portion of me would not stop aching. I wasn't hungry for days at a time. I had to remind myself to eat which is really sad because everyone who knows me knows that I loved cooking. I remember coming out of a procedure and wondering why I survived it I didn't want to. I had finally reached a point in which my hurt was so deep that in comparison with death I would certainly choose death. We had been back and forth for months the promises kept coming but not one action followed. I remember writing a letter to my self saying. ____ does not love you or care every promise that has been made is a lie so why do you keep listening to them? Why are you still waiting for someone to treat you better? I couldn't get rid of the hope that things would change. Writing that letter helped me cut all ties completely this time. Over the course of letting go I deactivated all social media,  three email addresses and changed my number three times. Every time my ex knew exactly what to say to get me back... to get me to wait.  It was the hardest thing letting go because I had to let the family go as well if I truly wanted to save myself. I felt like I was losing so much I was so close to them. I loved them like they were my family. My view of love has always been unconditional you do any and everything to keep someone you love happy. That's how I was raised. I believed in love real unconditional love that this person kept saying they had for me but never showed it. This world we live in is so messed up and in order for me not to wear this hurt for the rest of my life I had to do some serious praying and trusting God. I didn't want to punish myself for the rest of my life because I allowed myself to stay with someone who never saw my value. You are not the only person who felt like dying was a better option. However, I promise you there is light at the end of that dark lonely tunnel you feel. Sometimes good people get hurt but they never stay down for long. You have to determine when enough is enough no one can do that for you. Keep in mind that the people who you think will help you out of this can't mostly because they don't know how. Most importantly  do not allow the love you had for them to turn into hate God can not work that way. The truth is you will always love them that's what real love is... It gets easier though and if you allow God he will fill the void, and he will also send you someone worth loving when he sees your ready.

~Kai

I hope this helps as always email me I will always respond (Use this new email everyone):
 @kai_carr@outlook.com

Sometimes you stumble?

Good Morning,
              My heart has been very heavy  for about a week now. I was placed in a situation in which I feel like I stumbled backwards. I would like to talk to you about the trials and tribulations of moving forward after having your heart broken. I want you to forgive your self for still caring. I want you to forgive yourself for being upset, crying, feeling numb, or screaming. What ever it is its okay I don't want you to beat yourself up over someone who is not beating their self up over you. Yes, I know you can read them and yes I'm sure they did something to get a rise out of you and now everyone on the outside looking in only sees it as something you should be over. They say stop giving them power over you. Am I correct? The only thing you can hear your self say is: How could I have loved someone this much and they just don't care. I kicked my self so hard for allowing myself to get upset after all the progress I had made. The nightmares were gone, tears, that aching portion of my  heart was gone and I allowed one thing to just break me down. It took me a full week to process it and understand that my break down was not like it was in the beginning. I felt disrespected this time. I know what was done and yet I was being made to just feel like I was making it up. I cant tell you what people will or wont do when they love you, but I realize they have no right to. It hurts like all hell I know it does. Your life isn't the same. Release what happened and you tell your self "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". If they can still see you hurting and do nothing about it or talk to you like its nothing then you don't want them in your life.  It doesn't matter what you know it matters what they show. You can only leave them to God.  When I woke up out of my sleep this past weekend like I couldn't breathe like I use to when we first broke up I immediately told the devil to leave me alone. I ran to my prayer corner and asked God to forgive me because I was mad  we were in the same place again, I questioned God because he is so powerful and yet he allowed this encounter after everything I had been through. I begged God to remove my ex from my mind, hearts, thoughts, and all associations. I refuse to allow my life to be affected again over someone who hurt me so deeply.  Who lied to me not only about our future, but our friendship as well. The truth is I am not where I want to be but Ill never go back to who I was. I'm guilty for staying when I knew things were changing. I realized that I am not perfect and yes things could have been done differently, but I didn't deserve to be done that way. I did what I was supposed to do I did what I expected to receive back and that was love with all of me.  I don't regret having a big heart because that's who I am. I just wish I would have walked away sooner. This is truly a process, so please just don't give up on your self. Love is not easy but you can't do anything to change someone and you shouldn't want to either.  

Encounters

Today I met an amazing women who reminded me why I write my blog. Today she showed me a picture of her beautiful daughter. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. I had so much power in who I was, but I still was trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be. So I just asked myself what would I have wanted someone to tell me at that age. So this is to my younger self.
Dear Me,
   You are at a transitional period in your life. Where your struggling with your looks, friends, and society. Everyone you meet has something to say about you. How you look, dress, walk, and talk! It's so tiring and the only thing you want to be is you and part of you has no idea who that is. It's summer time you have no idea when it all changed when the men and even women now days began to see the beauty that you don't even know you posses. You went from going out side to play to walking into a world of people who only see your outside. Your walks to the store are now interrupted with men who only see one thing, who have one motive. There's a part of you that remembers your mothers words to just wait until marriage.... But there's tv, social media, and friends who tell you other wise. My advice is listen to your mother! Sex is not just sex. A kiss is not just a kiss and it's something I promise you you'll want to experience at the right time. That same girl who's sneaking boys in the house when her parents are at work will end up pregnant, raped or with a reputation she wishes she could overcome. Do not be the girl who claims she can have sex with no feelings! She's lying. I'm not telling you not to date I'm just reminding you not to let the butterflies you feel in your stomach control the decisions you make. Know that any one who loves you will wait for you and if they don't! God didn't send them. Take this time in your life to learn who you are and love yourself. What you see in the mirror is beauty embrace it. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. Anything you're missing you can get from God! Trust Me...

`Kai

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

You have no idea what I've been through to meet you or how many people "pretended" to be you. You know those people who you meet and you both agree neither of you want to be hurt again only to turn around and they hurt you even worse. You couldn't imagine what's its like to plan a family with someone and proudly use their last name only to be slapped with the reality that you have no idea whose name you're carrying. Future Husband you have no idea how the pretenders promised me that it was ME that I was the one for them--their future.
That I was ALL they needed, only to find out that was a lie too.  I was so protective of them! You wouldn't believe it I even swerved in front of the police one night so I could be pulled over because they had drank too much that night. 
You have no idea how embarrassed I felt to be left for women who couldn't hold a candle to my spirit or what I had to offer. You have no idea how they always came back with empty promises, which I believed. You couldn't imagine how much of my life I wasted trying to fix relationships with stubborn people who wear shame in my presence now. I would have done anything to help them fix us. I did everything I was suppose to, I called everything "Ours" when I just should have said "My"! I was supportive and placed them on a pedestal they never deserved.
Did I tell you I was observant? When things changed I ASKED questions and of course, I was told "I was tripping...that they were going through something and we were just fine." I felt it in my soul something was wrong, but I believed their words instead of their actions. Later I learned the truth. 
You have no idea how hard it was to forgive people who hurt me so badly. The same people who have the nerve to be mad at me because of what they did to us...who promised me that we would always be and who used the fact that I loved them against me. Future Husband I could go on about the past, but I won't because I know it all prepared me for you. Someone who knows what It feels like to be me.

~Kai

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Wounded

I had originally told myself to take a break from social media. Sometimes its just too much too many opinions so many view points and if you read too much into it sometimes it bothers you. I received a phone call about the recent shootings and brutality so of course I logged onto my FB. My heart is just all over the place right now and respectfully I have no right to tell anyone how to react in this matter. Just be cautious in your response. We have to find our value in GOD and not in the world. We live in a world that's is run by flesh. Full of people who don't value their lives let alone black lives. This is not what it is suppose to be like. I cant stress enough that our tomorrows are not promised. Love like you never have loved and thank God for each moment. I just hope that you are not only asking god to wrap his arms around you and your family but around this nation. I understand that you can not wound some one and tell them how fast they should heal its impossible. However its how you act after your wounded that your judged upon. Praying for my people, praying for this world. Lord help us.

 2Samuel 22:3-4 my God, my rock, in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou savest me from violence.

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Prayer to Let Go

As I read through my emails I just want to say this you are not weak because you haven't learned how to let go. You have to make a decision! You have to believe that letting go leads to healing. Trust me when I say my writing can never truly express how hard it was for me to let go and give it to God. I prayed to him daily for hours at a time to answer my prayer the way that I wanted him to. It wasn't until I began to learn to pray about his will that things changed in my life. I believe one of the hardest parts about this journey is learning how to take your hands off of a situation that you have allowed yourself to have a death grip on. No matter how much you love someone. No matter how much you want them to change there is nothing you can honestly do to make them conform to what you want. You must release the grip and give it to God. He is the only one who can change us. When you are releasing it you have to ask God what his will is for the situation and to teach you how to bare it. If it’s in his will our Father will make a way. Running across this prayer today is something I hope helps find you peace:

Lord Jesus Please forgive me of my sins as I turn to you. This situation is hard! This relationship I love it & care for it. However I realize its unfruitful, Holy spirit I pray right now that you will take away my desire to be connected to this individual. I submit my heart unto your leading and you will. Help me to do the hard thing. Lord I pray you will pull away from me everything that is not of you. If they are good bring them near. If they are not drive them away. I submit my heart and my will unto you! In your son Jesus name Amen!

~Kai

Loving Yourself 101: Trust

Good Morning my loves!! I hope that everyone woke up this morning saying thank you to the father for all that he has done and still is. I know I have been on the fence about talking about a few things in my life and my past because I was not really sure where God was taking me with it. However now I am able to speak on it. One of the most important parts of this journey is trust. Trusting God and realizing you can still trust your self. Every inch of pain you felt as you felt it was real no one can ever take that from you but as I've stated before it time to trust God as he guides you. He will prepare you its just truly up to you if you want to listen and pay attention. He warned me that I was about to face my past everyone who ever hurt me, left me, tried to destroy me and what I thought of myself! I have literally faced in the last month in a half people who at some point impacted me. We are talking about people who sought to destroy me and my relationships with lies. We are talking about people who had wronged me and now it was placed on their hearts to make it right. I remember asking my cousin was I crazy... I asked what was happening to me? Where are these people coming from?  Why are these people brining up these old things I was over. Her exact words "you better get ready".  The truth was I wasn't over it because I was still angry or hurt about some of it. What I thought I was over I had simply buried under the ton of emotions I was already running away from. I remembering asking God to remove anything that's stopping me from walking in my purpose. When I tell you he is the be all when you ask you receive. He removed it all even things I had no clue were still there. I realized as I forgave them I forgave me for still holding on to it. I realized that I now remember so many things I had been successful at blocking out I wasn't afraid any more. When God told me to stop it and let everyone go I did and slowly but surely he has restored every friendship he felt would lead me in the next step of my walk. As scary as it was as alone as I felt! I must admit I didn't lose anything and I gain daily. Each day he is healing me, my soul, my spirit and giving strength in my flesh to over come anything. My past is just that my past I'm excited as I walk with God in the beginning of my new chapter.

As always you can reach me via Email or simply reply and comments. I am here if you need me.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5

Loving Yourself 101: Victim? Not!

I just wanted to clarify somethings in my writing. I know some of it is very deep and very hurtful to some people who care about me or share my story. However, I am not destroyed by anything in my past TRUST me when I say I love me even more for being able to sit back at it and laugh and thank God he took me from it. Am I happy it happened?  I mean no one wants to be hurt but I'm strong n spiritually guided. I learned who I am and that I  need God daily just read the Lord's Prayer. I always loved him but never have I ever been in love with him.  He is my strength and my father! He completes me and nothing else. He taught me to look at me learn more of myself and believe he has more from me and I truly want for nothing every obstacle I stumble across he clears the path. Come to this realization sometimes being knocked down allows your next stand to be on an un breakable foundation because God built it! Do you all really think that God doesn't use Satan??!! Anything the enemy can do to you God can stop start believing in you my loves and not what you have been through! Hold true to the value you  have you are not who you were when you were in that situation and that alone is something to celebrate! No rape, lie, or moment of abandonment defines you! I am indestructible God himself builds me daily I consult him in every move I make you should to! We all have moments where we will stumble but he will catch you! There is no victim here just a survivor who is meant to make sure others survive as well. Enjoy your Memorial Day with this in mind! You may not be a Vet in the eyes of your fellow friends or family but you truly are in the eyes of God you are at War daily in this world full of lost, jealous, confused people but when you acknowledge that you are not perfect but you know someone who is you win every day! Go to war with God as the general and believe me you will survivor everytime! Believe what is meant for you is for you no one can have it.

Loving Yourself 101: Process

Hey Ladies! My apologies for not writing lately I just really have been going through this roller coaster of life and allowing God to lead me. Man it's been crazy soo crazy not easy but worth it! When you ask God to remove anything he will when you ask him to show you yourself he will. Ask him to uproot anything that's bothering you in your heart that's stopping you from blossoming in your spiritual walk. He's literally been showing me each moment of hurt that I over came he showed me how strong I use to be and reminded me I'm stronger now. He also showed me that everyone is not the same so I can't treat them as such. Take note but don't be so quick to judge. Remember loving yourself is being able to grow, progress and trust that God is showing you the things you needed to learn. Loving yourself is about realizing you are an amazing person who deserves better. Release ladies it's time to get up out and enjoy each day God has given and the sooner you do the better you will feel. Surround yourself with people who love you and value you! Reevaluate every step you make now by observing it all and listening! Your progress is your process you can't expect people to understand what they have never been through. However if they try to support you let them. It's about you right now and your the only person who matters right now! You talk when your ready and if you don't want to you don't have to its your journey! Your goals your dreams what you want out of life! Know it and draw power from it!

This is dedicated to one of my readers I hope this helps! As always ladies I'm here if you need me.
~Kai

Loving Yourself 101: Compromise

Loving yourself is not compromising your hearts desires! If you want to be married then that's your end goal don't compromise. Love yourself enough to know giving up what you truly want is giving up on you. I am completely guilty of altering what I wanted for someone else and I had to forgive myself for it. I also know that you have to be careful because people you involve yourself with will use your wants to hold on to you. For instance, calling you their last name but not committing the actual act of marriage. You have to love yourself enough to know walking away hurts but it's better than giving your all to someone who thinks  it's an option to give you theirs. Continue to ask God to order your steps and break up or walk away from anyone uncertain that your it. Besides its a waste of time to want someone who doesn't want you and it's okay if you have been in that situation before your not now! Trust that God has the power to do anything your heart desires and he will bring you the husband that you are meant to have. Just remember to place God first and your purpose to him. Continue to better yourself daily and know your blessing is on the way. Don't compromise just have patience it's coming!

Loving Yourself 101: Mirror Challenge

Hello ladies today I want you to try this for me. This is something I want you to try after your all done with you day and your at home by yourself and relaxing. This time is about you. First grab yourself a hair tie and place your hair in a pony tail, if you have short hair simply pin it back.. If you have make up on grab a face towel and remove your make up and your lashes. Remove your piercing and your ear rings. I want you to take a deep breathe clear your mind and look at yourself in the mirror. When you look at yourself what do you see? What does your eyes say? The expression on your face as you stare at this person in the mirror. Do you even know that person looking back at you?  How many of you immediately looked at your flaws: Your pimples, scars ,dark marks or the fact that your eye brows needed to be done. Is that what you saw? Why is that the first thing you saw? Instead of how beautiful you are? Let me tell you what I saw when I first did this. The first time I tried to look at me the real me I broke down and cried I hated everything about me and my outer exterior I could see every dark mark, pimple and scar. I could see the discoloration in my face. I hated who ever I was looking at in the mirror. I wept at the fact that I saw a complete stranger. Afterwards whenever I got dressed for work I would wash my face, brush my teeth and make sure I didn't look fully in the mirror. I would wait until I got in my car to apply my eye liner so I could only see my eyes and the darker the better because then people would see my eyes and not the ugly face attached to it. I could see my eyes because I never looked into my own eyes. The second time I gathered enough courage to try this again I stared at me and as the tears rolled down my face I could see past my face I saw me all I could see was all the hurt I hid behind a fake smile, the dark marks I had because I tossed and turned every single night.  I saw someone who was broken and stopped loving who I was because I was lost I didn't know how to. It was then as I was staring at this ghost in the mirror that I decided enough was enough. I had to admit that I was hurting but I reminded myself not for long, I would get through this. That I am beautiful in side and out and that the angry person I was on the outside only existed because that's the only way I knew how to protect my inside. I had be in a war this whole time with myself and my life. Why didn't I see a warrior trying to weather a storm when I first looked in the mirror I believe it was because I had to learn me to understand how to love me. I needed to stop fighting God and understand that he was working on me and my life I just didn't agree with how he was doing it. I had to surrender and laugh at myself at the fact that God must have be shaking his head at me fighting him. I asked him to help me love me as he loves me. Every day now when I look in the mirror I love everything I am becoming and I love it. I am not broken, or holding on to anything. I see a person who wants what God has for me and that is  the very best. I am whole and complete in him.

The Lords unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him ( Psalms 32:10)

Loving Yourself 101: Forgiveness

I must admit that I have been very angry and very hurt in these past couple of years. More hurt because none of what was happening in my life seemed fair to me. I kept asking "What did I do so wrong for this?.  I had believed in words..? How could I believe in that with no action and it simply because I wanted it to be true I wanted the dream that was being promised the future that I was being told we had. Those words were my oxygen they were my driving force to fight for a relationship that I believed in no matter how much the punches kept coming. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that those very blows to my heart were of my very own. I knew better actions are everything! Consistency is everything!  I have to constantly remind myself that the heart that loves me will stop at nothing to keep me. It doesn't need to weigh options or run from me because it knows I will take care of it just as I would like it to take care of me. It wont hold grudges or make the choice to stop fighting to make it work with me. People make mistakes I mean we are human but its what is done after the mistake is realized that really matters. I just wonder why as women do we take so much from someone we love? At what point does the value of what we think they contribute to our lives trump the value we know we have or contribute to them. We deserve to never wonder where they are, we deserve the best treatment because we do it from them. There is no other way and for some reason we think it is we willingly take less. We carry so much anger because we believed in them, but now its time to believe in ourselves believe what you have to offer is what you rightly deserve to be offered back. Forgive yourself for the person you allowed yourself to be when you were with them. You are no longer that person your stronger your wiser and you know God would never forsake you. Forgive them because it no longer matters what dreams you had with them if they didn't have them with you. Forgive them because God would have it no other way. I know we sometimes carry the hope that they will change one day and it's possible they will but it doesn't mean it will be for you.  We have all prayed that prayer for a better outcome than this? The person that's for you that God sent will love you more than you can even imagine right now. It was once said to me that if you think that was love just imagine how amazing it will feel when its the love God has sent for you. If you just take the time to love you forgive you and allow God to mold you into who you were always meant to be. God will give you someone who will weather any storm with you. After all God made Eve from Adams rib! That unconditional love you have inside of you that thought of what love is to you is real it does exist! You hurt so bad because you love unconditionally and that is perfectly fine as long as it's with the right one! The bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Let him find you and yes it takes time anything worth it should be waited on. You will have moments of sadness you will break down and cry after all any break up that you never anticipated is like a death you mourn it. Just say this "Lord I need you every day every hour I can not do this by myself." He will see you through just trust him.

Loving Yourself 101: Friendships VS Relationships

On this journey of getting to know me I had to first understand who I was as a person and how I dealt with relationships. I am quick to walk away when I am upset because I don't like to let others see me cry and when I get upset I rage in anger because I'm hurting not because I'm violent. I had to learn that no one can trigger these emotions unless I feel disrespected or unless it pertains to someone I hold close to my heart. (Seems pretty normal right?) However, it took me a very long time to understand what got me to that point. What type of person are you? Once you figure that out you have to ask yourself do the people in your life understand that about you? What came up in casual conversation the other day was why are women so quick to cut off their "friends" that have wronged them but continue to deal with a "man" who has done them even worse? When our "friends" express how they feel about certain situations or voice how they feel about things we are quick to cut them out of our lives but a man can say he is sorry for something he has done countless times and we still yearn for him to be apart of our lives. What sense does it make when in reality any strong relationship first begins with a strong friendship. Why is it not okay for friends to fight and get over it? We expect ( there goes that word again) our best friends/friends to be back bone to protect us whenever altercations are present when ever someone has something negative to say about us. To be there when we are hurting, or just want to hang our best friends who we in turn call our sisters know us deeply they carry our secrets and know our hurts. We at some times are more open with our men then we are with our best friends. Yet we expect our men to do the same thing the only difference is you lay in bed with him. So why does he get a free pass and she doesn't? I have been completely guilty of the same thing myself I really have been. First I had been guilty of trying to find who I was while I was with someone else and my personal point of view is that you cant. If you are trying to learn who you are and your in a relationship your still conforming to who you need to be for your mate NOT who you need to be for yourself. Secondly, I have cut off friends so quick because I didn't agree with what they were doing or perceiving what I was trying to say. I cut them off because they truly hurt me but I never really knew how to tell them what I felt. Then when I realized that I had to understand that just because I had forgiven them didn't mean they were meant to be in my life. Honestly if we learn how to understand then men and women in our lives, we wouldn't have so many damaged friendships and relationships. Of course the important portion of that is you both have to value your relationship to work it cant be one sided. Ultimately the relationship that teaches you how to deal with the ones in your life is the one you develop with GOD first. He will teach you how to deal with them accordingly and he will revamp the one that are beneficial for you to carry out your destiny on earth. There is nothing you have done that GOD cant undo remember that.

-Kai

Loving Yourself 101: Expectation

According to my latest search of the word "expectation" on google it's is defined as: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. We expect so much from our friendships, mates, family, ourselves  and associates. When it doesn't turn out the way we imagine we develop a portion of anger that can possibly steer us in the wrong way. When people we care about hurt us we tend to carry that hurt for months or years. I for one expected so much from everyone in my life I expected to be respected, loved, valued and not rejected by any one of them. They were my circle my trusted circle at that so why shouldn't  I expect that. For example, If I'm the friend that goes all out on your bday why wouldn't you do it for mine?  (Of course excluding monetary issues). Showing up for me is what's important friendships are relationships that's why it hurts when we are let down. WE expect never to be left out (even from the small things) and when we are we mask the hurt. I know I'm so sensitive when it comes to that. I also realized protecting me is what's most important so I often find myself just staying away. We expect people to treat us better but we don't demand the same thing from ourselves we give chance after chance to people who care only to temporarily make a change because we benefit their lives  but never stop to ask ourselves what they benefit for us. WE are so busy trying not to be alone that we are willing to surround ourselves with shells of people instead of individuals who actually add values to our lives. When we get hurt we expect ourselves to somehow have known what was coming so now we are angry again. We expect our parents to be there for us in certain ways we expect people to understand how we feel in certain situations we EXPECT that they value us the way we value them. Why is that? I think it's because we don't give ourselves a chance to see people for who they truly are we look at them to be who we need them to be to us and when they can't deliver that even when we can deliver it to them we are devastated disappointed because to your heart your emotions why can't they be? We expect ourselves to be able to get over breakups that have some what broken us and how can you expect that of yourself? Immediately??  Letting go of any expectation takes time healing is a process inside a process. For now on I have only one EXPECTATION and that's to surround myself with people who display that they want to be a asset to my life not take away from me in anyway unless it's comfort they need. Surround yourself with those who want what's best for you and will be there for you when you can't be there for yourself. Who wants to he surrounded by a bunch of emptiness?

Loving Yourself 101: Knowing Your Triggers

When your recovering from a break up or anything in your life that has devastated you or changed you it's important to know what triggers you. You can make it days, or months and be fine and then all of a sudden it hits you. That hurt those memories the reason why you are in this mess in the first place it knocks the wind out of you. What are your triggers? Movies, old texts, their family, your family, birthdays, friends, holidays, or broken promises? For me every single one of these things took me backwards until I finally cut it all off. I cut myself off from everything but God. I was in a place that I needed answers I found comfort in talking to the family of my ex after all to me they were my family. I couldn't understand why it had happened why we weren't worth it anymore and  why we were each other's future one day and the next it was nothing. But that's how my hurt turned into my downfall I lived my hurt all day I questioned every move I made in my relationship it played in my head over and over and no matter how many times I tried to press stop it wouldn't it was like my stop button was broken and my self destruct mode was in full force. I can honestly say I regret talking to them and not because they weren't sympathetic and really helpful but just because I never should have involved them at all but they knew I was hurt I was crushed. I needed them and they understood that. In that moment I only needed God. I had to understand that being able to talk with them about my break up was only hurting me worse I had to realize that I could never fully let go until I let it all go. So I did I cut all ties because I had to not because I wanted to. I wanted to heal. I feared them being hurt or mad at me but I had to trust that when the time was right I would be able to associate with them and not mourn the fact that I was no longer in that family. I couldn't watch reality tv or shows we use to watch or go places we use to it all made me sick. I hated running into people who asked where my ex was. All triggers  they drove me crazy. I disappeared from everything and everyone. I was sick health wise and heart wise I had to get a grip on it. I told God I didn't want that feeling anymore  I was better than this better than mourning. I had to realize that in order to be healed the right way. I had to go through my season of hurt and what I feared most was how long the season would last. I gave to much of me to a situation only God could change the way he wanted it. I had to ask God to take it from me because I was too weak to give him everything I was dealing with. It helped me when I could say that I didn't want that  feeling of hurt anymore I just wanted happiness to feel happy. I had to realize that the new person I was becoming enjoyed life differently viewed it differently I'm no longer who I use to be. I know now that those who couldn't understand my disappearance didn't understand that it was what I needed. What ever brings on your hurt or self destruction ask God to help you place it in his hands. Understand that what triggers you now won't always trigger you. Understand that strength and healing comes on Gods time not yours. Gods love is the best love.

The lords unfailing love surrounds the man that trusts him (Psalms 32:10)

Loving Yourself 101: Mind Control and Promises

I think the biggest part about regaining your life is to stop being mad at yourself for allowing words to control your life. When we are hurt it doesn't add up. It makes no since to us we know what they said, we constantly remember what they promised but don't get why they didn't make due. For the life of me I couldn't understand it but I had to remind my self that words are nothing without actions and consistency. You must have both its not enough to say your going to do something but you have to show me and you have to continue showing me. Each individual is different and you have to be paired to a mate that wants to match your needs and desires. I learned that people lie all the time some with good intentions and others are just weak and would rather lose you then do what it takes to keep you while some just don't care they use you and leave. Get back to the basics of yourself remembering your worth and that your not perfect. However that doesn't mean that you don't deserve the best from your partner. Learn from everything you have been through respect yourself enough not to be second to anyone who you place first in your life. The same thing goes for friendships stop giving them your all and they don't do the same for you. I wish I could give you a time frame for how long it will hurt and when you'll start to feel better but it doesn't work that way. We all grow differently and let go at our own pace just don't hold on tight to someone who thought you were an option in the first place.

Loving Yourself 101: Why I chose Celibacy

I chose to give up sex after my last relationship. In the beginning it was because I figured my ex was coming back at least that's what we discussed that we still had a future and I had no desire to give my body or my love to anyone else. Yes I talk of my ex quite often but that is the struggle I had to deal with so I will bring it up. I waited because what I thought we had was worth waiting for. That was until I discovered my ex wasn't waiting and it broke me completely. I had to come to realization of life you never wait for anyone! If that person is the one for you then GOD will make you two cross paths again when he is ready. So why did I continue to wait? Why has it been over a year since I last had sex? Its simply because: I wanted more, more from God more from life, and I never planned to have more than one sex partner in life anyway. My body is my temple and I cant just let anyone enter it. Allowing anyone around me in my broken state would have been the wrong thing to do. I wasn't up for that feeling of emptiness after sex with someone I wasn't in love with, or saw no future with. At first I asked myself should I go buy a necklace, bracelet, or a ring. To me it all sounded cliché my goal wasn't to be like everyone else it was to be the best version of me. It took me a while but I chose a ring. A ring because in a marriage a ring represents the unbreakable bond between husband and wife. I wanted a bond as well, one that said I'd rather wait on God instead, love that I know exist but can only flourish when two signs are aligned by god. I have no idea when God will bring me my mate, but I do know he knows my heart and that my goal is to do his work first and everything else will fall in order. Where I am in life is scary I'm single for the first time but I am also thankful that I am free of STD's and I will stay that way. I am not perfect by far I never will be, but I want more for me and from the next partner God gives me in life. Celibacy is about respecting myself and God so much that no fleshly desire will ever take me from my path again.

Loving Yourself 101! Is Time the Enemy?

Time apart from anything can be the most devastating thing we hear when we love it so much. However is time the enemy? When it comes to relationships or our thoughts... I was once told what is meant to be will be... I couldn't understand it at the time I hated it at the time! Time without the love of my life was just as bad as my diagnosis to me. I didn't want it to be over I wanted my ex to do any and everything to fight to fix our relationship and it didn't happen. I waited because I was for sure it would. The time I lost I hated myself for it for so long. I remember saying to my self I'm such an idiot! Who waits for someone just because you love them? Just because you were asked.. Now I'm glad I waited I now have given myself time to be alone to focus on me and my relationship with God. I didn't move on like everyone in my life told me to and I'm thankful. I know what is meant to be will be. I know that God has the final say so in life, death and relationships anything you name he controls it all. Time is never the enemy it's what we do with the time that becomes the problem. So my question to you is how do you spend your time? Now I use my time to build me I am doing things I never imagined. I love myself so much that I'm still learning how beautiful I am inside and out! I'm remembering that I can do anything I desire. Time is the best thing if you don't waste it use it to your advantage. When in doubt remember everything happens for a reason. You only wait on God and trust that the person who loves you truly won't let anything stop them from making it known they want you. God knows your hearts desires..

Loving Yourself 101: Have you told yourself " I love you" Today??

This morning I woke up and thank God today is a good day! The truth is having a good day doesn't mean that you don't think about what your going through or what hurt you or how you hurt yourself some how in the situation. It just simply means your having a good day. You can breathe (yes you can trust me it happens eventually). My advice on waking up to have a good day is remember to say "I love You" to yourself. Say " I love you God! Thank You" thank you for what I have and what I have yet to receive. You all know how much I love that Kirk Franklin song: Wanna be happy! Its simply because I do. I have given my heart to be broken. Hell I was broken still am. Healing is a process. Especially when you want to be healed inside out. The biggest pill to swallow is forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to be disrespected, mistreated and what ever else emotion you felt at that time. I'm forgiving me because I LOVE ME! (Yes I said forgiving as in I still am because I still get upset from time to time about where I was). I'm an amazing person I was just in a deep dark place and I needed God to lead me out! I have always known God prayed to him asked him for what I wanted. But not until this year of my life have I even attempted to ask him what he wants from me. Learning to be careful for what I ask for...learning what I want out of life... learning not to compromise my hearts desires...Loving yourself does not mean you wont still love people from your past it just simply means you no longer give them the power to hurt you. If God wants them around they will be. Its not up to us and the sooner we all realize it the better off we will be! Its not easy at all but loving you is the most important thing always has been its just sometimes easy to deprive ourselves when we love hard and give so much of our selves to others.

Proverbs 3:5- Trust in the lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding.

(Please share if you know someone who needs this). I am just simply me sharing my story to recovery) Have an amazing day!

Loving Yourself 101: Interviewing Your Relationship

What is the very first thing you do when your searching for a new job? You open the posting and you look at the qualifications the experience you need to fulfill what's expected of you... So why don't we do the same thing when we are dating? Even when you get a job you still have a 90 day probationary period before you can even breathe easy. I know you hear it all the time wait 90 days before you have sex I have no idea who came up with that ridiculous rule but nobody reveals who they truly are in 90 days. It's still fun and exciting in the beginning but what we all are truly after is that person who wants to be there far after a three month period... That person who wants to make it work no matter what even when there has been a rough year. What we want is a partner in life. However instead we skip over the important parts we don't truly know people before we start having sex and our judgement becomes cloudy. Our hormones provide deep connections that our souls don't. There's no loyalty or respect for people so it's easy to just keep going. Interview with your mind and not your heart set your expectations first because it's not worth eventually giving up what you truly want in the end! Respect me and cater to me because I guarantee you I know I won't ask for anything I'm not capable of giving myself! Be by me if I'm happy sad or sick. Love me when I'm acting out or when I'm lost. Love me for the long hold if we get to that point. I want love that's deeper than hormones because I have that for better or for worse love. What kind of love do you have? What kind of love are you looking for? Know what you want before you get out here. Set your expectations before you allow someone else to set them for you..

Loving Yourself 101: Adjusting When I Think of You

Written a while ago: Sometimes I admit I wake up and I think of you to the point where I allow my emotions to suck the life out of me until I get myself to remember this. Your not doing the same thing. In the beginning you promised me so many things to get right it's been months. When I constantly reminded myself of the good things that happen what we meant to eachother you were reminding yourself that everything was wrong that walking away was right. When I was praying for us to come out on top you were busy dating making friends. I could go on but why would I. In this past year I decided that this blog is here for that one person who may be going through this that moments like this are okay. It's doesn't mean your weak or stupid it just means you truly were in love. You did all you could do I wouldn't lie on the process it's hard but it doesn't hurt everyday anymore. You'll heal faster when you realize you will always love them you just love yourself more now. You can't fight for a relationship alone your just punching air and if you can visualize it remind yourself how you'll look fighting an imaginary person. Real love doesn't turn off but it's easier to turn up the volume on your love for yourself continue to remember that your growing today and each day into a strong individual so God can send you one just as strong as you! Some people heal by entertaining friends or getting in a new relationship to me it's pointless eventually you will hurt them because your hurt. ( Or you still don't know you or what you truly want). Give yourself time maybe a year or 6months (if you think that's too long) and love on you. Then you will get to where I am so you can help someone else. God will bring in your life who he wants it may be of the past or the future but let go and always know your worth fighting for. I know I was dead set on my future the way I saw it if God sees that for me it will happen but I gotta trust what he sees for me is better. Your heart will heal your constant thoughts will as well I can promise you that just don't give up on you it doesn't matter what there doing who there dating trust me let God handle it all. Don't torture yourself with thoughts of if they are happy or not. You may never know. Understand you aren't perfect no one is but your worth it and so are the desires of your heart...  right now your focus must be on you and healing not being angry. Trust God will make a way for you and your happiness that has to be your goal now.

Loving Yourself 101: What is 2 fast?

I know that I have learned that going from one relationship to the next is not healthy. I believe that we all heal differently but how do you just spend years with one person and now all of a sudden your in another relationship. Is it real? I have no idea I just know this time I'm not doing it. I just want to love on me learn me and invest in me. I think that's something we should all do before we jump into the next situation. Love the kind we are meant to experience the real kind that God sees for us does not consist of being in love with everyone we meet. However it happens so much people think its normal it not. Real love ( no I'm not referring to abusive relationships) is meant to be worth every fight to keep it alive it doesnt hold grudges, and its not fearful of loss. When you truly believe in love you'll stop at nothing to make it work unless there is nothing else left for you to try. Real love is intoxicating and powerful and I for one would rather wait on that instead of making myself believe I have it with the very next person I meet. Or before I try to learn who I am while I'm with someone else.  I want the kind of love that God wants for me. The kind that makes me feel safe and wont give up on me. I trust him and only him and only God can bring two souls together in that manner. I have enough to work on and I accept that! It's scary but it makes me a better person for knowing that what I have to offer shouldn't just be given to anyone who can't understand the value of it.

Loving YourSelf 101: Be Happy?!

I will admit that song by Kirk Franklin "Wanna Be Happy". I can listen to it over and over! Why because it asked you Do you wanna be happy and yes I do. I'm tired of things not changing I was stuck! I asked Jesus to take the wheel. I was giving my heart to someone who couldn't understand that my love was unconditional who kept tearing it apart no matter how much I tried to hold us together the more I tried the worse it became. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I prayed and prayed for God to fix us for us to work. My first mistake was not praying to God and letting him work.  I kept trying and even though I know I can not destroy what he has for me I learned to let him work. I never deserted God no matter how hurt I was and I never will. I don't know what my future looks like or who it consists of but I do know I chose to be happy. As I said I'll never say never again but I will say I trust God and he will bring in my life what he feels I need not what I thought I needed. So my question to you all is.. Are you tired? Tired of nothing changing then talk to God your first father he knows when your hurting but are you truly ready for your life to change! Lying to God is dumb he knows your heart he knows what your desires are but ask him what does he see for you. He doesn't want us to hurt and by all means I know its hard but forgive those who spit on you and ask God to heal you. I have no idea why I am here but I know one thing what it meant to be will be  God has the final say so. Nobody can turn anything around the way God can have patience and believe he has better for you. Get to know him as I am trying to. Ask  him to give you a new heart learn how to operate in the holy spirit instead of our flesh. The truth is God holds no grudges so who are we to think we can?  It's time to surround yourself with positive people! People who can give you words of encouragement people who can see the beauty in you that you are struggling to see.

Loving YourSelf 101: Time

Time heals all wounds is on other one of those expressions we hear... But... How many of us actually believe that? For me when I'm going through something in the beginning in my mind it's Hell naw time won't heal shit but when I sit down and pray on it I ask God to heal me because I know I can't do it on my own. I pray he helps me forgive but not forget. I know I can get over anything honestly that's the way I'm built but I also have learned not everyone is as strong as me or should be forgiven to the point you still involve them in your life. By all means forgive no situation is worth the energy it takes to not forgive. Ask God why not he knows your heart anyway. Trust that he's more powerful than anything you thought you did wrong or can't move past if God wants it to happen it will! Cry unto him he knows the needed cry of his children. I'm learning and I want him to really know me. Just my thoughts there are genuine people out here just ask God to protect you to shield you from those unworthy of you.

DEMANDING RESPECT

How can you demand respect from others but not demand it from yourself? Its is truly okay if you didn't know how to demand it in your last relationship or you are learning to now the important part is that you demand it. Now don't get me wrong some people want crazy amounts of respect like people are dogs that's not what I'm talking about. In relationships yes you guys should know each others where abouts not because its a death sentence but because you know your mate worries. Be respectful and how you address the other sex, topics and time management. In friendship you must demand respect why are you the best friend to someone but they treat you like you are barely an associates? Every relationship in your life should be worth your time because tomorrow its not promised. Of course every relationship will not be the same on both ends but you know when someone is showing true effort. No argument is worth losing a relationship but you have to remember mentally everyone is not on the same level. Age is not mentality and that's sad but its true. Don't assume people will do you how you do them you have to demand it and if they cant supply it let them go. Hold yourself to a higher standard and those around you will be forced to do the same. When in doubt ask God for guidance and listen to his responses. Demand a better life for yourself and use God as your backbone.

Loving yourself 101: Letting God In

I'll be The first to admit that my mind constantly keeps going even when I am trying to give it all to God, but today I learned what it feels like to listen to him to know what it feels like When I'm doing what he is asking. Like my experience at s.o.s 20 minutes and I was out and the machine said my wait was 3hrs and 27min! God I'm trusting you even though I'm still learning how to and studying you I know I can not go wrong through you! Amen😘

Loving Yourself 101: Who Am I

During this time of reflection I think I have asked myself this a million times. Who Am I?  In my constant thoughts my questions to myself. I have been so hard on myself because I don't know how I lost myself. I realized the best way to find yourself is to remember what I love about myself. I am the girl who is a over the top hopeless romantic. Who loves so hard. I probably am a directors go to audience you know when the movie is all sentimental and they want to see the reaction of the audience I am the best candidate. I get so involved in the scenes because that's me. I love love the idea of it the way it feels. I took what happened in my past so hard because that was love a love I never felt before and I know that if it felt that good in the beginning with my past then it will be even more amazing with the one that God has for me. When I watch movies I am the person in the movie the girl who falls in love or gets her heart broken. Beyond movies my heart is in everything I do I realize  however that I need to always confide in God first, I thank God that today I'm breathing just fine I have come a long way since last year, A very long way. Im embracing getting to know the real me. I am the one who hopes I make a difference in some one else's life. I just want to be so in love with God and myself and that is all that I care about, For once in my life its about me! I can never go back to who I was but  I wont deprive my soul mate of who I am because I got a few bumps in bruises along the way. What I have to offer is amazing and only a strong confident person can deal with that because they know what I have to offer is rare,

Loving Yourself 101: Stress

Hello, today is February 8, 2016 and today is a Good day. Why is that? I'm in a relationship with the lord. My situation is unlike any one else's of course but to me its truly enough and that because God will not give me anything I can not handle. I had to remember that he is my protector my savior, my best friend and anything else I may need.  Lord if it be thy will... Even if my flesh wants something else. Lord if it be thy will I know you love me I know you are for me! Unlike most people in my times of hurt and pain I never deserted the Lord. In fact I prayed harder and more often even when I was angry with him I still prayed to him! The difference now is what I pray for and how I pray. I had to learn to let his will be done! I had to learn that God wanted more for me and what I desire has nothing on what he has to offer me! I stressed about everything In my past relationships everything because I forgot the number one rule of life! Give it to God I can not move anything in this life with out him being the head of my life. I had to trust he would make a way through any storm. Matthew 8:23-27. Even when you are in a panic the Lord never will be he controls it all. I place my all in him as  I pray. I decided to develop my relationship with him and to be fully committed in my walk with him. So that when I face my next relationship or my soul mate as I call it I'm ready. I'll wait to be valued the way I know only a person sent by God can give.. I had to realize that what I feel  and what I see is nothing compared to his vision for me. Each day as  I walk I ask for his input and each day I'll grow closer to him. I'm happy with just focusing on him right now because he has never lost his focus on me.

Why I blog.... My thoughts

Before we begin please understand I AM NOT A WRITER or a THERAPIST or an EXPERT! If your one of those people who get irritated by grammatical errors you should probably stop here. This blog is not about all that.  I speak on what I have learned about myself and what has worked best for me as I learn me:


I remember fighting myself and asking myself if blogging was something I should do... I also remembering being so angry with God asking him how could the man I married do me the way he did??Then I met my ex... I was so hurt and lost when I met my ex... I trusted my ex with my deepest darkest secrets the very essence of who I was because I thought If I was honest about the fact that I wasn't perfect the fact that I was hurting so bad that when my ex asked me to trust and believe in something greater and to be let in I did it. I opened myself up maybe even more than I did with my husband. I remember asking God was this what real love was... Was this what a soul mate was the connection we shared in the beginning the passion and just how I fell in love with all of me. That feeling of being so high on life with not even a glass of wine in my system. It was a different type of love. I never felt that when I was married and I married that man, Then things changed and not only did a part of me die when my ex walked away from me but I wanted to die. I literally didn't care to exist in this world and I must admit I did well disappearing from everyone and anything that was familiar. I fought so hard for a relationship that didn't want to be kept. I didn't understand I never cheated on either one of them I never spit on anyone and they just walked out of my life like they meant nothing to me. I prayed to God I asked him if I hurt someone this bad and didn't remember then please show me let them forgive me I didn't wish this hurt on anyone. You know me with the plan who made it to 29 with only two relationships both long term 13 years and 4 years. I remember asking myself was I pathetic. I regretted not being out here like other people living the "single life". Then when I was at my lowest after me and my ex broke up there was my ex husband who admitted that he would give anything to have a second chance because I was a good woman he became just one of the voices who reminded me that I had more to live for. There was certainly a time where I thought I could never associate with him again but we are good associates and I learned to never say never.  Out of everything we had been through he was honest with me he was man enough to say that I deserved better than he and my ex had given me. Even though him and I are over  I appreciate him for being honest and I wish him the best. This past year, I had given up on my health my life and loving myself all because I didn't understand why so much was happening. I asked God was I reaping what one of my parents had sown in this world. Now I'm definitely not perfect. I have a smart mouth and at times I'm bossy when I'm passionate about something but yet and still I never did anything to deserve this. I have had fake pages made up about me my pictures stolen. I grew up with a father who was on drugs and a mother who held him down after all he did. I literally have been fighting for everything in my life and I was tired. I realized that loving me is understanding this about me. I love so hard I cater so much and when people are close to me they can cut me deep... literally carve my heart out. I'm honestly hurt still I just had to realize that eventually I won't hurt anymore and each day I grow stronger. I had to remember that I am the prize with all I have to offer I'll just wait on the person God has for me and in order for that to happen I have to grow closer to him I have to be able to hear him when he is speaking to me so he and myself are they only things important to me. I have to forgive them and trust that God will heal me my broken heart. I have to stop hoping for my ex to change and trust that God will make a way for me to overcome this even if it isn't the way I want.  To most people they will read this and it may not mean much at all. However for me my blogs are directed to that one person who needs to read them that one person who is in that very moment when they believe that dying  is better than living. So some days I'm sure my words will feel like I repeat myself but its all in my healing all in becoming the woman that God wants me to be. I know what happened to me is something that I'm suppose to use and help someone else and although I don't know exactly how to start I believe my blogs are a good place. I'll share as much as I can without writing a tell all blog about my entire life. Until later.

Loving Yourself 101: At what point is enough?

You know the sad part about loving someone soo much it hurts? Its that some point unknowingly we start loving them more than we love ourselves we lose who we truly are in them. Relationships fail  because at some point we change and we forget to do it together. The goals change the routines change and the questions begin. We begin to accept words from our partners instead of actions. I know its truly simple we hear it daily "actions speak louder than words" But you know as well as I do that doesn't mean a damn thing when you love someone. However you love who they use to be not who they are now, and sometimes that takes us reminding ourselves daily. Do you ever watch "Being Mary Jane" her sticky notes are small reminders of loving yourself and grabbing strength in small reminders. Why not do it? I think its a perfect idea reminders are needed and so are associations. Why do we choose to remember the good things instead of the bad things that our exes have done to us. Im not saying hold on to the hurt Im simply saying use it to remind yourself how great you are. So you will stop trying, stop fighting. Maybe you should ask yourself this am I worth it? Did I try to change things, have I prayed and tried my hardest. If you have there is nothing else you can do but remind yourself that enough is truly enough. Trust me and when you truly feel it is that doesn't mean that you wont cry that doesn't mean that you wont have moments, but I promise you no matter what you wont reach out to them. Let go of what you can change and know that there is nothing you can do that will mess up anything God sent to you. If it's for you it will be.