Writer Block Vs Where I am NOW

Hey My Loves,

Its been so long since I've written.. Possibly since I have no idea what to say anymore. I started this journey as an extremely broken hearted "little girl" lost. Hurting beyond measure.. hurting beyond words that I so desperately tried to express in my writing. Part of me felt that writing would help me.. help someone else and so I began.

So I met some amazing people through this journey each of us in different stages and piece by piece slowly healing each other with encouraging words and pep talks as we needed. When I began to feel better I didn't want to talk about it anymore its was like I could finally breathe again without hurting that hurt that made me want to foolishly give up on life. 

 
Sometimes I ask myself how foolish was I to think that was love? How could I believe that I was actually supposed to survive off of words??

I'm dating which is still kind of hard because I realize I'm afraid. I'm so closed from the Idea of forever with anyone else. I admit I have no idea how to date. WHO to date ... Sounds crazy, but this is the first time in life I've actually dated. I've been in relationships so long. Anywho.. we shall see how this goes...


`Kai

Love Myself... Whattt????

Hey My Loves,

      I remember the first day I decided to blog  and open the door of my life to my readers, and my friends who truly knew nothing about me. The shock so many people expressed when they couldn't believe the things I hid for years. The things only God knew I was truly embarrassed of.  I titled my blog "Loving Yourself 101" and set my journey to find out what it was.... Who I was?... I remembered being told that I needed to "learn to love myself"  by someone who I loved very much someone who ripped my insides out and made me question everything I had known.

    I fought the words, and the voice that spoke them to me... They tortured me because I couldn't understand that someone could confuse  my loving them for lack of loving myself. It took me every moment after those words were spoken until recently  to realize that I didn't love myself ENOUGH. I couldn't have because a woman who loves all of her self would have found strength to walk away from how I was treated. I had to learn that I was not meant to have a ride or die mentality for a lovers who admit they treated us like we are nothing. They lost the ride or die rights the moment they told you they KNEW exactly how they were treating you.

     For me loving myself was about being okay with me natural me. No make up, no extensions, my inside and my outside! My Thoughts! My Process! My Love! My Fears! My Doubts! My Childhood! My Parents! My Life!  Everything about me, and be conscious of the fact that I am constantly changing.
   
    I think as people we worry so much about losing everything we put into a person. It just not worth it. The only fight I want now out of this life is the one in which God's in my corner.


~Kai