Before we begin please understand I AM NOT A WRITER or a THERAPIST or an EXPERT! If your one of those people who get irritated by grammatical errors you should probably stop here. This blog is not about all that. I speak on what I have learned about myself and what has worked best for me as I learn me:
I remember fighting myself and asking myself if blogging was something I should do... I also remembering being so angry with God asking him how could the man I married do me the way he did??Then I met my ex... I was so hurt and lost when I met my ex... I trusted my ex with my deepest darkest secrets the very essence of who I was because I thought If I was honest about the fact that I wasn't perfect the fact that I was hurting so bad that when my ex asked me to trust and believe in something greater and to be let in I did it. I opened myself up maybe even more than I did with my husband. I remember asking God was this what real love was... Was this what a soul mate was the connection we shared in the beginning the passion and just how I fell in love with all of me. That feeling of being so high on life with not even a glass of wine in my system. It was a different type of love. I never felt that when I was married and I married that man, Then things changed and not only did a part of me die when my ex walked away from me but I wanted to die. I literally didn't care to exist in this world and I must admit I did well disappearing from everyone and anything that was familiar. I fought so hard for a relationship that didn't want to be kept. I didn't understand I never cheated on either one of them I never spit on anyone and they just walked out of my life like they meant nothing to me. I prayed to God I asked him if I hurt someone this bad and didn't remember then please show me let them forgive me I didn't wish this hurt on anyone. You know me with the plan who made it to 29 with only two relationships both long term 13 years and 4 years. I remember asking myself was I pathetic. I regretted not being out here like other people living the "single life". Then when I was at my lowest after me and my ex broke up there was my ex husband who admitted that he would give anything to have a second chance because I was a good woman he became just one of the voices who reminded me that I had more to live for. There was certainly a time where I thought I could never associate with him again but we are good associates and I learned to never say never. Out of everything we had been through he was honest with me he was man enough to say that I deserved better than he and my ex had given me. Even though him and I are over I appreciate him for being honest and I wish him the best. This past year, I had given up on my health my life and loving myself all because I didn't understand why so much was happening. I asked God was I reaping what one of my parents had sown in this world. Now I'm definitely not perfect. I have a smart mouth and at times I'm bossy when I'm passionate about something but yet and still I never did anything to deserve this. I have had fake pages made up about me my pictures stolen. I grew up with a father who was on drugs and a mother who held him down after all he did. I literally have been fighting for everything in my life and I was tired. I realized that loving me is understanding this about me. I love so hard I cater so much and when people are close to me they can cut me deep... literally carve my heart out. I'm honestly hurt still I just had to realize that eventually I won't hurt anymore and each day I grow stronger. I had to remember that I am the prize with all I have to offer I'll just wait on the person God has for me and in order for that to happen I have to grow closer to him I have to be able to hear him when he is speaking to me so he and myself are they only things important to me. I have to forgive them and trust that God will heal me my broken heart. I have to stop hoping for my ex to change and trust that God will make a way for me to overcome this even if it isn't the way I want. To most people they will read this and it may not mean much at all. However for me my blogs are directed to that one person who needs to read them that one person who is in that very moment when they believe that dying is better than living. So some days I'm sure my words will feel like I repeat myself but its all in my healing all in becoming the woman that God wants me to be. I know what happened to me is something that I'm suppose to use and help someone else and although I don't know exactly how to start I believe my blogs are a good place. I'll share as much as I can without writing a tell all blog about my entire life. Until later.
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