When I first began blogging I entitled it Lyfe: Living vs Dying. At the time of my first entry I had been down and out over my break up. It was 11 months since we broke up. I felt like I should have been over it and you can tell when people wish you would just stop talking about it already. I was tired of crying, waking up screaming, and the part where every portion of me would not stop aching. I wasn't hungry for days at a time. I had to remind myself to eat which is really sad because everyone who knows me knows that I loved cooking. I remember coming out of a procedure and wondering why I survived it I didn't want to. I had finally reached a point in which my hurt was so deep that in comparison with death I would certainly choose death. We had been back and forth for months the promises kept coming but not one action followed. I remember writing a letter to my self saying. ____ does not love you or care every promise that has been made is a lie so why do you keep listening to them? Why are you still waiting for someone to treat you better? I couldn't get rid of the hope that things would change. Writing that letter helped me cut all ties completely this time. Over the course of letting go I deactivated all social media, three email addresses and changed my number three times. Every time my ex knew exactly what to say to get me back... to get me to wait. It was the hardest thing letting go because I had to let the family go as well if I truly wanted to save myself. I felt like I was losing so much I was so close to them. I loved them like they were my family. My view of love has always been unconditional you do any and everything to keep someone you love happy. That's how I was raised. I believed in love real unconditional love that this person kept saying they had for me but never showed it. This world we live in is so messed up and in order for me not to wear this hurt for the rest of my life I had to do some serious praying and trusting God. I didn't want to punish myself for the rest of my life because I allowed myself to stay with someone who never saw my value. You are not the only person who felt like dying was a better option. However, I promise you there is light at the end of that dark lonely tunnel you feel. Sometimes good people get hurt but they never stay down for long. You have to determine when enough is enough no one can do that for you. Keep in mind that the people who you think will help you out of this can't mostly because they don't know how. Most importantly do not allow the love you had for them to turn into hate God can not work that way. The truth is you will always love them that's what real love is... It gets easier though and if you allow God he will fill the void, and he will also send you someone worth loving when he sees your ready.
~Kai
I hope this helps as always email me I will always respond (Use this new email everyone):
@kai_carr@outlook.com
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