Letters Of A Broken Heart

 Why am I even trying. This bitch has no respect for me and she is going to continue to do what ever she wants to do. So I guess she just gone keep on walking over me. I keep doing this shit to my self trusting my heart to the wrong person 

ME vs DATING

Hey My Loves,

     I miss writing! Life has been pretty busy, and I've finally got myself refocused on reaching some of my goals I want to accomplish. As we previously discussed I closed the chapter on my past, and now I'm dating.....

   Guys I AM NOT a fan of dating lets juts be honest. I just want to be with that one person. I never wanted to be the dating type. I'd much rather go on dates with my person.

     It's such a great feeling to be in a positive place. Knowing that I actually am excited to meet someone else. To be able to actually love someone who is devoted to loving me. Truthfully meeting someone I can vibe with and I'm attracted to is the worse. Sometimes I see people who I may be interested in but I FEAR REJECTION .  I wouldn't know the first thing to say. Am I supposed to turn into one of those women who go for it and try to  actually approach someone? I mean HOW in the world. I'm afraid to put myself out there.

     I read something today that said "Don't search for love. It'll ruin the surprise". What do you guys think about that? It has me thinking. Maybe I should take things just a little bit slower. This could just be my season to continue trusting that everything I have been through was all apart of a plan. A plan for me to grow into the woman God has destined me to be. The women he needs me to be before I can actually bump into that person that God designed for me. Call it old fashioned but I still believe in being a hopeless romantic. I know I'll get my fairy tale ending. I'll just wait on it.



~Kai

Writer Block Vs Where I am NOW

Hey My Loves,

Its been so long since I've written.. Possibly since I have no idea what to say anymore. I started this journey as an extremely broken hearted "little girl" lost. Hurting beyond measure.. hurting beyond words that I so desperately tried to express in my writing. Part of me felt that writing would help me.. help someone else and so I began.

So I met some amazing people through this journey each of us in different stages and piece by piece slowly healing each other with encouraging words and pep talks as we needed. When I began to feel better I didn't want to talk about it anymore its was like I could finally breathe again without hurting that hurt that made me want to foolishly give up on life. 

 
Sometimes I ask myself how foolish was I to think that was love? How could I believe that I was actually supposed to survive off of words??

I'm dating which is still kind of hard because I realize I'm afraid. I'm so closed from the Idea of forever with anyone else. I admit I have no idea how to date. WHO to date ... Sounds crazy, but this is the first time in life I've actually dated. I've been in relationships so long. Anywho.. we shall see how this goes...


`Kai

Love Myself... Whattt????

Hey My Loves,

      I remember the first day I decided to blog  and open the door of my life to my readers, and my friends who truly knew nothing about me. The shock so many people expressed when they couldn't believe the things I hid for years. The things only God knew I was truly embarrassed of.  I titled my blog "Loving Yourself 101" and set my journey to find out what it was.... Who I was?... I remembered being told that I needed to "learn to love myself"  by someone who I loved very much someone who ripped my insides out and made me question everything I had known.

    I fought the words, and the voice that spoke them to me... They tortured me because I couldn't understand that someone could confuse  my loving them for lack of loving myself. It took me every moment after those words were spoken until recently  to realize that I didn't love myself ENOUGH. I couldn't have because a woman who loves all of her self would have found strength to walk away from how I was treated. I had to learn that I was not meant to have a ride or die mentality for a lovers who admit they treated us like we are nothing. They lost the ride or die rights the moment they told you they KNEW exactly how they were treating you.

     For me loving myself was about being okay with me natural me. No make up, no extensions, my inside and my outside! My Thoughts! My Process! My Love! My Fears! My Doubts! My Childhood! My Parents! My Life!  Everything about me, and be conscious of the fact that I am constantly changing.
   
    I think as people we worry so much about losing everything we put into a person. It just not worth it. The only fight I want now out of this life is the one in which God's in my corner.


~Kai

A Look AT 2016

Hello My Loves,
 
    As I sit here and think about 2016. I must say I am extremely proud of my self. At first I couldn't see past sleeping alone and now I just see the endless possibilities. Ive learned to push myself, process, and proceed. Those are my three p's. I was really hurt and for quite some time I wore it in ways that not only affected my friendships, but work and family. Once I made the decision to let go it was even harder but it was possible. In March I pushed myself to clean up everything we had together that I was left with. I also obtained my real estate license, and I'm a notary public. I have a few things up my sleeve and with God I know more doors are opening.
     There were many nights I laid there crying, even had moments at work where I would close my office door and just cry then I would dry my eyes and get back to work. I buried myself in expectation for myself. I wanted more for me. Before I felt so weak for allowing myself to be so hurt for loving so hard. Now I'm just trusting that it was not in vain. I wish I could express how good it feels to be able to just tell you how I feel when I get emails from you guys about your progress and journeys into loving yourself. It makes me happy to know my situation helps. Focusing on you is a good thing. Rushing your healing is a bad thing it only leaves open wounds that must heal. Building who you are should be the focus. Everyone heals differently and at different times. However lets focus on being a whole person instead of a half.
     I just want to say thank you for being here with me. Both ups and downs your thoughtful words and prayers have truly helped. You deserve real love its just a little harder to find it in a world full of broken people. Don't rush your dating process get to know each other for who you truly are and not what you are trying to force them to be.

~Kai

Be Careful With Your Heart

Hey My Loves!

    So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.

  Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.

     Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.

    I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.

My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.

~Kai

Quick Follow Up & Q n A

Hey My Loves,

     What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
    
     I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.

     Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned

Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about

A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.

Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?

A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.

~Kai

What Total Forgiveness Feels Like

Heyyy Loves! Today I realized something absolutely amazing! I realized where I am in life. Do you have any idea what it feels like when your praying not to let your past control your future? I remember asking God to just let it hurt me for as long as he needed it to. Let my hurt do what it must let however long  it was going to take because at the end of the day I wanted to be able to totally forgive my ex I refused to hate my ex. No matter what I knew that hate would affect me for a very long time. Instead I chose to love from a distance and trust God. I tried so many ways to just get closure and understanding. I tried so hard to understand what I did so wrong? How was I not the one for my ex? When I would do absolutely anything for us. Wow?

     Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were  true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!

  I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful  . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.

As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.

~Kai

Reflection: My Truth

Everybody who has ever hurt me, or lied on me I forgive you and I still love you.. none of us are perfect. I just have no desire to have you apart of my life. Life is just 2 short 2 respond to every negative thing people say about you. Yes, I heard what you said, what you posted and the other things as well. If it makes you feel better 2 paint a negative picture of me go ahead. If you can sit in a room and pass judgement on me & what I dealt with like it's nothing go right ahead. Does it somewhat bother me?  Yes, it does because I never saw you doing that to me.  I just don't have it in me to do anyone that way so I won't drop down to that  level. LIFE is 2 short. I would never expect you to understand my hurt that's between me and my God. Instead I'll just say I'll never change my heart for someone who changed theirs towards me. God created the light trust and believe he will shine it on the situation when he sees fit. No love lost

Kai*

Living Vs. Dying: Reflection

The end of the year is approaching fast. It's October already and then this is when it all began to happen. The death of my step father and little brother from my first relationship. Then another individual who touched my heart after the passing of my grandfather. We hear it often that life is short, but its more than that. Life is hard and confusing. Who is it safe to love? Who is it safe to trust? Losing those people changed me it made me realize I didn't want to die next. Seeing them leave me remembering the hurt it gave me the motivation to fight myself what I dealing with health wise and to also deal with my heart. I needed my life back. Who I was back and a better version of me.  I wanted to be able to breathe again. My heart was tired of feeling like a knife was constantly being twisted in it. I finally said I couldn't hold on anymore to the hope that I had in my heart. I finally let go of the promises. Three people died before the end of the year and I just snapped. There It was! Reality in my face! I pressed pause on my life waiting. Waiting for us to be together again. I figured why would I date anyone else talk to anyone else. The thought of it literally made me sick. Attending two funeral will have that effect on you. It makes you look at your life. You reevaluate everyone and everything because it could all be gone tomorrow. I no longer wanted people in my life who showed that me being apart of their life wasn't as important to them as it was to me. I didn't want to cry anymore over someone who was okay with leaving our situation the way it was. Now I can look back on last year and just thank God for this year. I am truly blessed and alive. My heart is still big and I am learning daily to be the best version of myself now. I'm still trusting God.

Kai

Loving YourSelf 101: Being Who I Am

Its been a few months since I posted anything. I believe I just had to take a few steps back a few situations occurred and I found myself feeling completely blind sided by a few people I thought were actually close to me. It hurts but somehow I've finally got to the point where I say "okay God" "What do you want me to do" Sometimes its best to step back and analyze the situations before you make final decisions. I have definitely changed and I realize that I'm constantly in the process of changing. Getting to know me is realizing that I can't let those two relationships or friendships define who I am because they are not me. No matter how real my love is for people in my life if they don't display that to me then ultimately I am losing in the end. No portion of me hates them I will always love them in the Lord. People who don't show you remorse or make situations about them are not the people you can have around to assist you in making positive decisions in your life. Being who I am means that I will continue to love just as much as I did before in both relationships and friendships. However, this time I wont continue to trust people who don't respect me enough to protect me or to value what we had like I would.  I don't expect anyone to be just like me, or do things the way I will but loving yourself is understanding that some times you must love someone from a distance. Never allow hatred or forgiveness in your heart. Wake up and spread the love and joy you have inside because God Blessed you with it.

In Comparison to Death

When I first began blogging I entitled it Lyfe: Living vs Dying. At the time of my first entry I had been down and out over my break up. It was 11 months since we broke up.  I felt like I should have been over it and you can tell when people wish you would just stop talking about it already. I was tired of crying, waking up screaming, and the part where every portion of me would not stop aching. I wasn't hungry for days at a time. I had to remind myself to eat which is really sad because everyone who knows me knows that I loved cooking. I remember coming out of a procedure and wondering why I survived it I didn't want to. I had finally reached a point in which my hurt was so deep that in comparison with death I would certainly choose death. We had been back and forth for months the promises kept coming but not one action followed. I remember writing a letter to my self saying. ____ does not love you or care every promise that has been made is a lie so why do you keep listening to them? Why are you still waiting for someone to treat you better? I couldn't get rid of the hope that things would change. Writing that letter helped me cut all ties completely this time. Over the course of letting go I deactivated all social media,  three email addresses and changed my number three times. Every time my ex knew exactly what to say to get me back... to get me to wait.  It was the hardest thing letting go because I had to let the family go as well if I truly wanted to save myself. I felt like I was losing so much I was so close to them. I loved them like they were my family. My view of love has always been unconditional you do any and everything to keep someone you love happy. That's how I was raised. I believed in love real unconditional love that this person kept saying they had for me but never showed it. This world we live in is so messed up and in order for me not to wear this hurt for the rest of my life I had to do some serious praying and trusting God. I didn't want to punish myself for the rest of my life because I allowed myself to stay with someone who never saw my value. You are not the only person who felt like dying was a better option. However, I promise you there is light at the end of that dark lonely tunnel you feel. Sometimes good people get hurt but they never stay down for long. You have to determine when enough is enough no one can do that for you. Keep in mind that the people who you think will help you out of this can't mostly because they don't know how. Most importantly  do not allow the love you had for them to turn into hate God can not work that way. The truth is you will always love them that's what real love is... It gets easier though and if you allow God he will fill the void, and he will also send you someone worth loving when he sees your ready.

~Kai

I hope this helps as always email me I will always respond (Use this new email everyone):
 @kai_carr@outlook.com

Sometimes you stumble?

Good Morning,
              My heart has been very heavy  for about a week now. I was placed in a situation in which I feel like I stumbled backwards. I would like to talk to you about the trials and tribulations of moving forward after having your heart broken. I want you to forgive your self for still caring. I want you to forgive yourself for being upset, crying, feeling numb, or screaming. What ever it is its okay I don't want you to beat yourself up over someone who is not beating their self up over you. Yes, I know you can read them and yes I'm sure they did something to get a rise out of you and now everyone on the outside looking in only sees it as something you should be over. They say stop giving them power over you. Am I correct? The only thing you can hear your self say is: How could I have loved someone this much and they just don't care. I kicked my self so hard for allowing myself to get upset after all the progress I had made. The nightmares were gone, tears, that aching portion of my  heart was gone and I allowed one thing to just break me down. It took me a full week to process it and understand that my break down was not like it was in the beginning. I felt disrespected this time. I know what was done and yet I was being made to just feel like I was making it up. I cant tell you what people will or wont do when they love you, but I realize they have no right to. It hurts like all hell I know it does. Your life isn't the same. Release what happened and you tell your self "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". If they can still see you hurting and do nothing about it or talk to you like its nothing then you don't want them in your life.  It doesn't matter what you know it matters what they show. You can only leave them to God.  When I woke up out of my sleep this past weekend like I couldn't breathe like I use to when we first broke up I immediately told the devil to leave me alone. I ran to my prayer corner and asked God to forgive me because I was mad  we were in the same place again, I questioned God because he is so powerful and yet he allowed this encounter after everything I had been through. I begged God to remove my ex from my mind, hearts, thoughts, and all associations. I refuse to allow my life to be affected again over someone who hurt me so deeply.  Who lied to me not only about our future, but our friendship as well. The truth is I am not where I want to be but Ill never go back to who I was. I'm guilty for staying when I knew things were changing. I realized that I am not perfect and yes things could have been done differently, but I didn't deserve to be done that way. I did what I was supposed to do I did what I expected to receive back and that was love with all of me.  I don't regret having a big heart because that's who I am. I just wish I would have walked away sooner. This is truly a process, so please just don't give up on your self. Love is not easy but you can't do anything to change someone and you shouldn't want to either.  

Encounters

Today I met an amazing women who reminded me why I write my blog. Today she showed me a picture of her beautiful daughter. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. I had so much power in who I was, but I still was trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be. So I just asked myself what would I have wanted someone to tell me at that age. So this is to my younger self.
Dear Me,
   You are at a transitional period in your life. Where your struggling with your looks, friends, and society. Everyone you meet has something to say about you. How you look, dress, walk, and talk! It's so tiring and the only thing you want to be is you and part of you has no idea who that is. It's summer time you have no idea when it all changed when the men and even women now days began to see the beauty that you don't even know you posses. You went from going out side to play to walking into a world of people who only see your outside. Your walks to the store are now interrupted with men who only see one thing, who have one motive. There's a part of you that remembers your mothers words to just wait until marriage.... But there's tv, social media, and friends who tell you other wise. My advice is listen to your mother! Sex is not just sex. A kiss is not just a kiss and it's something I promise you you'll want to experience at the right time. That same girl who's sneaking boys in the house when her parents are at work will end up pregnant, raped or with a reputation she wishes she could overcome. Do not be the girl who claims she can have sex with no feelings! She's lying. I'm not telling you not to date I'm just reminding you not to let the butterflies you feel in your stomach control the decisions you make. Know that any one who loves you will wait for you and if they don't! God didn't send them. Take this time in your life to learn who you are and love yourself. What you see in the mirror is beauty embrace it. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. Anything you're missing you can get from God! Trust Me...

`Kai

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

You have no idea what I've been through to meet you or how many people "pretended" to be you. You know those people who you meet and you both agree neither of you want to be hurt again only to turn around and they hurt you even worse. You couldn't imagine what's its like to plan a family with someone and proudly use their last name only to be slapped with the reality that you have no idea whose name you're carrying. Future Husband you have no idea how the pretenders promised me that it was ME that I was the one for them--their future.
That I was ALL they needed, only to find out that was a lie too.  I was so protective of them! You wouldn't believe it I even swerved in front of the police one night so I could be pulled over because they had drank too much that night. 
You have no idea how embarrassed I felt to be left for women who couldn't hold a candle to my spirit or what I had to offer. You have no idea how they always came back with empty promises, which I believed. You couldn't imagine how much of my life I wasted trying to fix relationships with stubborn people who wear shame in my presence now. I would have done anything to help them fix us. I did everything I was suppose to, I called everything "Ours" when I just should have said "My"! I was supportive and placed them on a pedestal they never deserved.
Did I tell you I was observant? When things changed I ASKED questions and of course, I was told "I was tripping...that they were going through something and we were just fine." I felt it in my soul something was wrong, but I believed their words instead of their actions. Later I learned the truth. 
You have no idea how hard it was to forgive people who hurt me so badly. The same people who have the nerve to be mad at me because of what they did to us...who promised me that we would always be and who used the fact that I loved them against me. Future Husband I could go on about the past, but I won't because I know it all prepared me for you. Someone who knows what It feels like to be me.

~Kai

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Wounded

I had originally told myself to take a break from social media. Sometimes its just too much too many opinions so many view points and if you read too much into it sometimes it bothers you. I received a phone call about the recent shootings and brutality so of course I logged onto my FB. My heart is just all over the place right now and respectfully I have no right to tell anyone how to react in this matter. Just be cautious in your response. We have to find our value in GOD and not in the world. We live in a world that's is run by flesh. Full of people who don't value their lives let alone black lives. This is not what it is suppose to be like. I cant stress enough that our tomorrows are not promised. Love like you never have loved and thank God for each moment. I just hope that you are not only asking god to wrap his arms around you and your family but around this nation. I understand that you can not wound some one and tell them how fast they should heal its impossible. However its how you act after your wounded that your judged upon. Praying for my people, praying for this world. Lord help us.

 2Samuel 22:3-4 my God, my rock, in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou savest me from violence.

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Prayer to Let Go

As I read through my emails I just want to say this you are not weak because you haven't learned how to let go. You have to make a decision! You have to believe that letting go leads to healing. Trust me when I say my writing can never truly express how hard it was for me to let go and give it to God. I prayed to him daily for hours at a time to answer my prayer the way that I wanted him to. It wasn't until I began to learn to pray about his will that things changed in my life. I believe one of the hardest parts about this journey is learning how to take your hands off of a situation that you have allowed yourself to have a death grip on. No matter how much you love someone. No matter how much you want them to change there is nothing you can honestly do to make them conform to what you want. You must release the grip and give it to God. He is the only one who can change us. When you are releasing it you have to ask God what his will is for the situation and to teach you how to bare it. If it’s in his will our Father will make a way. Running across this prayer today is something I hope helps find you peace:

Lord Jesus Please forgive me of my sins as I turn to you. This situation is hard! This relationship I love it & care for it. However I realize its unfruitful, Holy spirit I pray right now that you will take away my desire to be connected to this individual. I submit my heart unto your leading and you will. Help me to do the hard thing. Lord I pray you will pull away from me everything that is not of you. If they are good bring them near. If they are not drive them away. I submit my heart and my will unto you! In your son Jesus name Amen!

~Kai

Loving Yourself 101: Trust

Good Morning my loves!! I hope that everyone woke up this morning saying thank you to the father for all that he has done and still is. I know I have been on the fence about talking about a few things in my life and my past because I was not really sure where God was taking me with it. However now I am able to speak on it. One of the most important parts of this journey is trust. Trusting God and realizing you can still trust your self. Every inch of pain you felt as you felt it was real no one can ever take that from you but as I've stated before it time to trust God as he guides you. He will prepare you its just truly up to you if you want to listen and pay attention. He warned me that I was about to face my past everyone who ever hurt me, left me, tried to destroy me and what I thought of myself! I have literally faced in the last month in a half people who at some point impacted me. We are talking about people who sought to destroy me and my relationships with lies. We are talking about people who had wronged me and now it was placed on their hearts to make it right. I remember asking my cousin was I crazy... I asked what was happening to me? Where are these people coming from?  Why are these people brining up these old things I was over. Her exact words "you better get ready".  The truth was I wasn't over it because I was still angry or hurt about some of it. What I thought I was over I had simply buried under the ton of emotions I was already running away from. I remembering asking God to remove anything that's stopping me from walking in my purpose. When I tell you he is the be all when you ask you receive. He removed it all even things I had no clue were still there. I realized as I forgave them I forgave me for still holding on to it. I realized that I now remember so many things I had been successful at blocking out I wasn't afraid any more. When God told me to stop it and let everyone go I did and slowly but surely he has restored every friendship he felt would lead me in the next step of my walk. As scary as it was as alone as I felt! I must admit I didn't lose anything and I gain daily. Each day he is healing me, my soul, my spirit and giving strength in my flesh to over come anything. My past is just that my past I'm excited as I walk with God in the beginning of my new chapter.

As always you can reach me via Email or simply reply and comments. I am here if you need me.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5

Loving Yourself 101: Victim? Not!

I just wanted to clarify somethings in my writing. I know some of it is very deep and very hurtful to some people who care about me or share my story. However, I am not destroyed by anything in my past TRUST me when I say I love me even more for being able to sit back at it and laugh and thank God he took me from it. Am I happy it happened?  I mean no one wants to be hurt but I'm strong n spiritually guided. I learned who I am and that I  need God daily just read the Lord's Prayer. I always loved him but never have I ever been in love with him.  He is my strength and my father! He completes me and nothing else. He taught me to look at me learn more of myself and believe he has more from me and I truly want for nothing every obstacle I stumble across he clears the path. Come to this realization sometimes being knocked down allows your next stand to be on an un breakable foundation because God built it! Do you all really think that God doesn't use Satan??!! Anything the enemy can do to you God can stop start believing in you my loves and not what you have been through! Hold true to the value you  have you are not who you were when you were in that situation and that alone is something to celebrate! No rape, lie, or moment of abandonment defines you! I am indestructible God himself builds me daily I consult him in every move I make you should to! We all have moments where we will stumble but he will catch you! There is no victim here just a survivor who is meant to make sure others survive as well. Enjoy your Memorial Day with this in mind! You may not be a Vet in the eyes of your fellow friends or family but you truly are in the eyes of God you are at War daily in this world full of lost, jealous, confused people but when you acknowledge that you are not perfect but you know someone who is you win every day! Go to war with God as the general and believe me you will survivor everytime! Believe what is meant for you is for you no one can have it.

Loving Yourself 101: Process

Hey Ladies! My apologies for not writing lately I just really have been going through this roller coaster of life and allowing God to lead me. Man it's been crazy soo crazy not easy but worth it! When you ask God to remove anything he will when you ask him to show you yourself he will. Ask him to uproot anything that's bothering you in your heart that's stopping you from blossoming in your spiritual walk. He's literally been showing me each moment of hurt that I over came he showed me how strong I use to be and reminded me I'm stronger now. He also showed me that everyone is not the same so I can't treat them as such. Take note but don't be so quick to judge. Remember loving yourself is being able to grow, progress and trust that God is showing you the things you needed to learn. Loving yourself is about realizing you are an amazing person who deserves better. Release ladies it's time to get up out and enjoy each day God has given and the sooner you do the better you will feel. Surround yourself with people who love you and value you! Reevaluate every step you make now by observing it all and listening! Your progress is your process you can't expect people to understand what they have never been through. However if they try to support you let them. It's about you right now and your the only person who matters right now! You talk when your ready and if you don't want to you don't have to its your journey! Your goals your dreams what you want out of life! Know it and draw power from it!

This is dedicated to one of my readers I hope this helps! As always ladies I'm here if you need me.
~Kai