Living Vs. Dying: Reflection

The end of the year is approaching fast. It's October already and then this is when it all began to happen. The death of my step father and little brother from my first relationship. Then another individual who touched my heart after the passing of my grandfather. We hear it often that life is short, but its more than that. Life is hard and confusing. Who is it safe to love? Who is it safe to trust? Losing those people changed me it made me realize I didn't want to die next. Seeing them leave me remembering the hurt it gave me the motivation to fight myself what I dealing with health wise and to also deal with my heart. I needed my life back. Who I was back and a better version of me.  I wanted to be able to breathe again. My heart was tired of feeling like a knife was constantly being twisted in it. I finally said I couldn't hold on anymore to the hope that I had in my heart. I finally let go of the promises. Three people died before the end of the year and I just snapped. There It was! Reality in my face! I pressed pause on my life waiting. Waiting for us to be together again. I figured why would I date anyone else talk to anyone else. The thought of it literally made me sick. Attending two funeral will have that effect on you. It makes you look at your life. You reevaluate everyone and everything because it could all be gone tomorrow. I no longer wanted people in my life who showed that me being apart of their life wasn't as important to them as it was to me. I didn't want to cry anymore over someone who was okay with leaving our situation the way it was. Now I can look back on last year and just thank God for this year. I am truly blessed and alive. My heart is still big and I am learning daily to be the best version of myself now. I'm still trusting God.

Kai

Loving YourSelf 101: Being Who I Am

Its been a few months since I posted anything. I believe I just had to take a few steps back a few situations occurred and I found myself feeling completely blind sided by a few people I thought were actually close to me. It hurts but somehow I've finally got to the point where I say "okay God" "What do you want me to do" Sometimes its best to step back and analyze the situations before you make final decisions. I have definitely changed and I realize that I'm constantly in the process of changing. Getting to know me is realizing that I can't let those two relationships or friendships define who I am because they are not me. No matter how real my love is for people in my life if they don't display that to me then ultimately I am losing in the end. No portion of me hates them I will always love them in the Lord. People who don't show you remorse or make situations about them are not the people you can have around to assist you in making positive decisions in your life. Being who I am means that I will continue to love just as much as I did before in both relationships and friendships. However, this time I wont continue to trust people who don't respect me enough to protect me or to value what we had like I would.  I don't expect anyone to be just like me, or do things the way I will but loving yourself is understanding that some times you must love someone from a distance. Never allow hatred or forgiveness in your heart. Wake up and spread the love and joy you have inside because God Blessed you with it.

In Comparison to Death

When I first began blogging I entitled it Lyfe: Living vs Dying. At the time of my first entry I had been down and out over my break up. It was 11 months since we broke up.  I felt like I should have been over it and you can tell when people wish you would just stop talking about it already. I was tired of crying, waking up screaming, and the part where every portion of me would not stop aching. I wasn't hungry for days at a time. I had to remind myself to eat which is really sad because everyone who knows me knows that I loved cooking. I remember coming out of a procedure and wondering why I survived it I didn't want to. I had finally reached a point in which my hurt was so deep that in comparison with death I would certainly choose death. We had been back and forth for months the promises kept coming but not one action followed. I remember writing a letter to my self saying. ____ does not love you or care every promise that has been made is a lie so why do you keep listening to them? Why are you still waiting for someone to treat you better? I couldn't get rid of the hope that things would change. Writing that letter helped me cut all ties completely this time. Over the course of letting go I deactivated all social media,  three email addresses and changed my number three times. Every time my ex knew exactly what to say to get me back... to get me to wait.  It was the hardest thing letting go because I had to let the family go as well if I truly wanted to save myself. I felt like I was losing so much I was so close to them. I loved them like they were my family. My view of love has always been unconditional you do any and everything to keep someone you love happy. That's how I was raised. I believed in love real unconditional love that this person kept saying they had for me but never showed it. This world we live in is so messed up and in order for me not to wear this hurt for the rest of my life I had to do some serious praying and trusting God. I didn't want to punish myself for the rest of my life because I allowed myself to stay with someone who never saw my value. You are not the only person who felt like dying was a better option. However, I promise you there is light at the end of that dark lonely tunnel you feel. Sometimes good people get hurt but they never stay down for long. You have to determine when enough is enough no one can do that for you. Keep in mind that the people who you think will help you out of this can't mostly because they don't know how. Most importantly  do not allow the love you had for them to turn into hate God can not work that way. The truth is you will always love them that's what real love is... It gets easier though and if you allow God he will fill the void, and he will also send you someone worth loving when he sees your ready.

~Kai

I hope this helps as always email me I will always respond (Use this new email everyone):
 @kai_carr@outlook.com

Sometimes you stumble?

Good Morning,
              My heart has been very heavy  for about a week now. I was placed in a situation in which I feel like I stumbled backwards. I would like to talk to you about the trials and tribulations of moving forward after having your heart broken. I want you to forgive your self for still caring. I want you to forgive yourself for being upset, crying, feeling numb, or screaming. What ever it is its okay I don't want you to beat yourself up over someone who is not beating their self up over you. Yes, I know you can read them and yes I'm sure they did something to get a rise out of you and now everyone on the outside looking in only sees it as something you should be over. They say stop giving them power over you. Am I correct? The only thing you can hear your self say is: How could I have loved someone this much and they just don't care. I kicked my self so hard for allowing myself to get upset after all the progress I had made. The nightmares were gone, tears, that aching portion of my  heart was gone and I allowed one thing to just break me down. It took me a full week to process it and understand that my break down was not like it was in the beginning. I felt disrespected this time. I know what was done and yet I was being made to just feel like I was making it up. I cant tell you what people will or wont do when they love you, but I realize they have no right to. It hurts like all hell I know it does. Your life isn't the same. Release what happened and you tell your self "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". If they can still see you hurting and do nothing about it or talk to you like its nothing then you don't want them in your life.  It doesn't matter what you know it matters what they show. You can only leave them to God.  When I woke up out of my sleep this past weekend like I couldn't breathe like I use to when we first broke up I immediately told the devil to leave me alone. I ran to my prayer corner and asked God to forgive me because I was mad  we were in the same place again, I questioned God because he is so powerful and yet he allowed this encounter after everything I had been through. I begged God to remove my ex from my mind, hearts, thoughts, and all associations. I refuse to allow my life to be affected again over someone who hurt me so deeply.  Who lied to me not only about our future, but our friendship as well. The truth is I am not where I want to be but Ill never go back to who I was. I'm guilty for staying when I knew things were changing. I realized that I am not perfect and yes things could have been done differently, but I didn't deserve to be done that way. I did what I was supposed to do I did what I expected to receive back and that was love with all of me.  I don't regret having a big heart because that's who I am. I just wish I would have walked away sooner. This is truly a process, so please just don't give up on your self. Love is not easy but you can't do anything to change someone and you shouldn't want to either.  

Encounters

Today I met an amazing women who reminded me why I write my blog. Today she showed me a picture of her beautiful daughter. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. I had so much power in who I was, but I still was trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be. So I just asked myself what would I have wanted someone to tell me at that age. So this is to my younger self.
Dear Me,
   You are at a transitional period in your life. Where your struggling with your looks, friends, and society. Everyone you meet has something to say about you. How you look, dress, walk, and talk! It's so tiring and the only thing you want to be is you and part of you has no idea who that is. It's summer time you have no idea when it all changed when the men and even women now days began to see the beauty that you don't even know you posses. You went from going out side to play to walking into a world of people who only see your outside. Your walks to the store are now interrupted with men who only see one thing, who have one motive. There's a part of you that remembers your mothers words to just wait until marriage.... But there's tv, social media, and friends who tell you other wise. My advice is listen to your mother! Sex is not just sex. A kiss is not just a kiss and it's something I promise you you'll want to experience at the right time. That same girl who's sneaking boys in the house when her parents are at work will end up pregnant, raped or with a reputation she wishes she could overcome. Do not be the girl who claims she can have sex with no feelings! She's lying. I'm not telling you not to date I'm just reminding you not to let the butterflies you feel in your stomach control the decisions you make. Know that any one who loves you will wait for you and if they don't! God didn't send them. Take this time in your life to learn who you are and love yourself. What you see in the mirror is beauty embrace it. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. Anything you're missing you can get from God! Trust Me...

`Kai

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

You have no idea what I've been through to meet you or how many people "pretended" to be you. You know those people who you meet and you both agree neither of you want to be hurt again only to turn around and they hurt you even worse. You couldn't imagine what's its like to plan a family with someone and proudly use their last name only to be slapped with the reality that you have no idea whose name you're carrying. Future Husband you have no idea how the pretenders promised me that it was ME that I was the one for them--their future.
That I was ALL they needed, only to find out that was a lie too.  I was so protective of them! You wouldn't believe it I even swerved in front of the police one night so I could be pulled over because they had drank too much that night. 
You have no idea how embarrassed I felt to be left for women who couldn't hold a candle to my spirit or what I had to offer. You have no idea how they always came back with empty promises, which I believed. You couldn't imagine how much of my life I wasted trying to fix relationships with stubborn people who wear shame in my presence now. I would have done anything to help them fix us. I did everything I was suppose to, I called everything "Ours" when I just should have said "My"! I was supportive and placed them on a pedestal they never deserved.
Did I tell you I was observant? When things changed I ASKED questions and of course, I was told "I was tripping...that they were going through something and we were just fine." I felt it in my soul something was wrong, but I believed their words instead of their actions. Later I learned the truth. 
You have no idea how hard it was to forgive people who hurt me so badly. The same people who have the nerve to be mad at me because of what they did to us...who promised me that we would always be and who used the fact that I loved them against me. Future Husband I could go on about the past, but I won't because I know it all prepared me for you. Someone who knows what It feels like to be me.

~Kai

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Wounded

I had originally told myself to take a break from social media. Sometimes its just too much too many opinions so many view points and if you read too much into it sometimes it bothers you. I received a phone call about the recent shootings and brutality so of course I logged onto my FB. My heart is just all over the place right now and respectfully I have no right to tell anyone how to react in this matter. Just be cautious in your response. We have to find our value in GOD and not in the world. We live in a world that's is run by flesh. Full of people who don't value their lives let alone black lives. This is not what it is suppose to be like. I cant stress enough that our tomorrows are not promised. Love like you never have loved and thank God for each moment. I just hope that you are not only asking god to wrap his arms around you and your family but around this nation. I understand that you can not wound some one and tell them how fast they should heal its impossible. However its how you act after your wounded that your judged upon. Praying for my people, praying for this world. Lord help us.

 2Samuel 22:3-4 my God, my rock, in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou savest me from violence.