Encounters

Today I met an amazing women who reminded me why I write my blog. Today she showed me a picture of her beautiful daughter. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. I had so much power in who I was, but I still was trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be. So I just asked myself what would I have wanted someone to tell me at that age. So this is to my younger self.
Dear Me,
   You are at a transitional period in your life. Where your struggling with your looks, friends, and society. Everyone you meet has something to say about you. How you look, dress, walk, and talk! It's so tiring and the only thing you want to be is you and part of you has no idea who that is. It's summer time you have no idea when it all changed when the men and even women now days began to see the beauty that you don't even know you posses. You went from going out side to play to walking into a world of people who only see your outside. Your walks to the store are now interrupted with men who only see one thing, who have one motive. There's a part of you that remembers your mothers words to just wait until marriage.... But there's tv, social media, and friends who tell you other wise. My advice is listen to your mother! Sex is not just sex. A kiss is not just a kiss and it's something I promise you you'll want to experience at the right time. That same girl who's sneaking boys in the house when her parents are at work will end up pregnant, raped or with a reputation she wishes she could overcome. Do not be the girl who claims she can have sex with no feelings! She's lying. I'm not telling you not to date I'm just reminding you not to let the butterflies you feel in your stomach control the decisions you make. Know that any one who loves you will wait for you and if they don't! God didn't send them. Take this time in your life to learn who you are and love yourself. What you see in the mirror is beauty embrace it. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. Anything you're missing you can get from God! Trust Me...

`Kai

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

You have no idea what I've been through to meet you or how many people "pretended" to be you. You know those people who you meet and you both agree neither of you want to be hurt again only to turn around and they hurt you even worse. You couldn't imagine what's its like to plan a family with someone and proudly use their last name only to be slapped with the reality that you have no idea whose name you're carrying. Future Husband you have no idea how the pretenders promised me that it was ME that I was the one for them--their future.
That I was ALL they needed, only to find out that was a lie too.  I was so protective of them! You wouldn't believe it I even swerved in front of the police one night so I could be pulled over because they had drank too much that night. 
You have no idea how embarrassed I felt to be left for women who couldn't hold a candle to my spirit or what I had to offer. You have no idea how they always came back with empty promises, which I believed. You couldn't imagine how much of my life I wasted trying to fix relationships with stubborn people who wear shame in my presence now. I would have done anything to help them fix us. I did everything I was suppose to, I called everything "Ours" when I just should have said "My"! I was supportive and placed them on a pedestal they never deserved.
Did I tell you I was observant? When things changed I ASKED questions and of course, I was told "I was tripping...that they were going through something and we were just fine." I felt it in my soul something was wrong, but I believed their words instead of their actions. Later I learned the truth. 
You have no idea how hard it was to forgive people who hurt me so badly. The same people who have the nerve to be mad at me because of what they did to us...who promised me that we would always be and who used the fact that I loved them against me. Future Husband I could go on about the past, but I won't because I know it all prepared me for you. Someone who knows what It feels like to be me.

~Kai

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Wounded

I had originally told myself to take a break from social media. Sometimes its just too much too many opinions so many view points and if you read too much into it sometimes it bothers you. I received a phone call about the recent shootings and brutality so of course I logged onto my FB. My heart is just all over the place right now and respectfully I have no right to tell anyone how to react in this matter. Just be cautious in your response. We have to find our value in GOD and not in the world. We live in a world that's is run by flesh. Full of people who don't value their lives let alone black lives. This is not what it is suppose to be like. I cant stress enough that our tomorrows are not promised. Love like you never have loved and thank God for each moment. I just hope that you are not only asking god to wrap his arms around you and your family but around this nation. I understand that you can not wound some one and tell them how fast they should heal its impossible. However its how you act after your wounded that your judged upon. Praying for my people, praying for this world. Lord help us.

 2Samuel 22:3-4 my God, my rock, in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou savest me from violence.

LOVING YOURSELF 101: Prayer to Let Go

As I read through my emails I just want to say this you are not weak because you haven't learned how to let go. You have to make a decision! You have to believe that letting go leads to healing. Trust me when I say my writing can never truly express how hard it was for me to let go and give it to God. I prayed to him daily for hours at a time to answer my prayer the way that I wanted him to. It wasn't until I began to learn to pray about his will that things changed in my life. I believe one of the hardest parts about this journey is learning how to take your hands off of a situation that you have allowed yourself to have a death grip on. No matter how much you love someone. No matter how much you want them to change there is nothing you can honestly do to make them conform to what you want. You must release the grip and give it to God. He is the only one who can change us. When you are releasing it you have to ask God what his will is for the situation and to teach you how to bare it. If it’s in his will our Father will make a way. Running across this prayer today is something I hope helps find you peace:

Lord Jesus Please forgive me of my sins as I turn to you. This situation is hard! This relationship I love it & care for it. However I realize its unfruitful, Holy spirit I pray right now that you will take away my desire to be connected to this individual. I submit my heart unto your leading and you will. Help me to do the hard thing. Lord I pray you will pull away from me everything that is not of you. If they are good bring them near. If they are not drive them away. I submit my heart and my will unto you! In your son Jesus name Amen!

~Kai

Loving Yourself 101: Trust

Good Morning my loves!! I hope that everyone woke up this morning saying thank you to the father for all that he has done and still is. I know I have been on the fence about talking about a few things in my life and my past because I was not really sure where God was taking me with it. However now I am able to speak on it. One of the most important parts of this journey is trust. Trusting God and realizing you can still trust your self. Every inch of pain you felt as you felt it was real no one can ever take that from you but as I've stated before it time to trust God as he guides you. He will prepare you its just truly up to you if you want to listen and pay attention. He warned me that I was about to face my past everyone who ever hurt me, left me, tried to destroy me and what I thought of myself! I have literally faced in the last month in a half people who at some point impacted me. We are talking about people who sought to destroy me and my relationships with lies. We are talking about people who had wronged me and now it was placed on their hearts to make it right. I remember asking my cousin was I crazy... I asked what was happening to me? Where are these people coming from?  Why are these people brining up these old things I was over. Her exact words "you better get ready".  The truth was I wasn't over it because I was still angry or hurt about some of it. What I thought I was over I had simply buried under the ton of emotions I was already running away from. I remembering asking God to remove anything that's stopping me from walking in my purpose. When I tell you he is the be all when you ask you receive. He removed it all even things I had no clue were still there. I realized as I forgave them I forgave me for still holding on to it. I realized that I now remember so many things I had been successful at blocking out I wasn't afraid any more. When God told me to stop it and let everyone go I did and slowly but surely he has restored every friendship he felt would lead me in the next step of my walk. As scary as it was as alone as I felt! I must admit I didn't lose anything and I gain daily. Each day he is healing me, my soul, my spirit and giving strength in my flesh to over come anything. My past is just that my past I'm excited as I walk with God in the beginning of my new chapter.

As always you can reach me via Email or simply reply and comments. I am here if you need me.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5

Loving Yourself 101: Victim? Not!

I just wanted to clarify somethings in my writing. I know some of it is very deep and very hurtful to some people who care about me or share my story. However, I am not destroyed by anything in my past TRUST me when I say I love me even more for being able to sit back at it and laugh and thank God he took me from it. Am I happy it happened?  I mean no one wants to be hurt but I'm strong n spiritually guided. I learned who I am and that I  need God daily just read the Lord's Prayer. I always loved him but never have I ever been in love with him.  He is my strength and my father! He completes me and nothing else. He taught me to look at me learn more of myself and believe he has more from me and I truly want for nothing every obstacle I stumble across he clears the path. Come to this realization sometimes being knocked down allows your next stand to be on an un breakable foundation because God built it! Do you all really think that God doesn't use Satan??!! Anything the enemy can do to you God can stop start believing in you my loves and not what you have been through! Hold true to the value you  have you are not who you were when you were in that situation and that alone is something to celebrate! No rape, lie, or moment of abandonment defines you! I am indestructible God himself builds me daily I consult him in every move I make you should to! We all have moments where we will stumble but he will catch you! There is no victim here just a survivor who is meant to make sure others survive as well. Enjoy your Memorial Day with this in mind! You may not be a Vet in the eyes of your fellow friends or family but you truly are in the eyes of God you are at War daily in this world full of lost, jealous, confused people but when you acknowledge that you are not perfect but you know someone who is you win every day! Go to war with God as the general and believe me you will survivor everytime! Believe what is meant for you is for you no one can have it.

Loving Yourself 101: Process

Hey Ladies! My apologies for not writing lately I just really have been going through this roller coaster of life and allowing God to lead me. Man it's been crazy soo crazy not easy but worth it! When you ask God to remove anything he will when you ask him to show you yourself he will. Ask him to uproot anything that's bothering you in your heart that's stopping you from blossoming in your spiritual walk. He's literally been showing me each moment of hurt that I over came he showed me how strong I use to be and reminded me I'm stronger now. He also showed me that everyone is not the same so I can't treat them as such. Take note but don't be so quick to judge. Remember loving yourself is being able to grow, progress and trust that God is showing you the things you needed to learn. Loving yourself is about realizing you are an amazing person who deserves better. Release ladies it's time to get up out and enjoy each day God has given and the sooner you do the better you will feel. Surround yourself with people who love you and value you! Reevaluate every step you make now by observing it all and listening! Your progress is your process you can't expect people to understand what they have never been through. However if they try to support you let them. It's about you right now and your the only person who matters right now! You talk when your ready and if you don't want to you don't have to its your journey! Your goals your dreams what you want out of life! Know it and draw power from it!

This is dedicated to one of my readers I hope this helps! As always ladies I'm here if you need me.
~Kai