What Total Forgiveness Feels Like

Heyyy Loves! Today I realized something absolutely amazing! I realized where I am in life. Do you have any idea what it feels like when your praying not to let your past control your future? I remember asking God to just let it hurt me for as long as he needed it to. Let my hurt do what it must let however long  it was going to take because at the end of the day I wanted to be able to totally forgive my ex I refused to hate my ex. No matter what I knew that hate would affect me for a very long time. Instead I chose to love from a distance and trust God. I tried so many ways to just get closure and understanding. I tried so hard to understand what I did so wrong? How was I not the one for my ex? When I would do absolutely anything for us. Wow?

     Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were  true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!

  I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful  . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.

As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.

~Kai

Reflection: My Truth

Everybody who has ever hurt me, or lied on me I forgive you and I still love you.. none of us are perfect. I just have no desire to have you apart of my life. Life is just 2 short 2 respond to every negative thing people say about you. Yes, I heard what you said, what you posted and the other things as well. If it makes you feel better 2 paint a negative picture of me go ahead. If you can sit in a room and pass judgement on me & what I dealt with like it's nothing go right ahead. Does it somewhat bother me?  Yes, it does because I never saw you doing that to me.  I just don't have it in me to do anyone that way so I won't drop down to that  level. LIFE is 2 short. I would never expect you to understand my hurt that's between me and my God. Instead I'll just say I'll never change my heart for someone who changed theirs towards me. God created the light trust and believe he will shine it on the situation when he sees fit. No love lost

Kai*

Living Vs. Dying: Reflection

The end of the year is approaching fast. It's October already and then this is when it all began to happen. The death of my step father and little brother from my first relationship. Then another individual who touched my heart after the passing of my grandfather. We hear it often that life is short, but its more than that. Life is hard and confusing. Who is it safe to love? Who is it safe to trust? Losing those people changed me it made me realize I didn't want to die next. Seeing them leave me remembering the hurt it gave me the motivation to fight myself what I dealing with health wise and to also deal with my heart. I needed my life back. Who I was back and a better version of me.  I wanted to be able to breathe again. My heart was tired of feeling like a knife was constantly being twisted in it. I finally said I couldn't hold on anymore to the hope that I had in my heart. I finally let go of the promises. Three people died before the end of the year and I just snapped. There It was! Reality in my face! I pressed pause on my life waiting. Waiting for us to be together again. I figured why would I date anyone else talk to anyone else. The thought of it literally made me sick. Attending two funeral will have that effect on you. It makes you look at your life. You reevaluate everyone and everything because it could all be gone tomorrow. I no longer wanted people in my life who showed that me being apart of their life wasn't as important to them as it was to me. I didn't want to cry anymore over someone who was okay with leaving our situation the way it was. Now I can look back on last year and just thank God for this year. I am truly blessed and alive. My heart is still big and I am learning daily to be the best version of myself now. I'm still trusting God.

Kai

Loving YourSelf 101: Being Who I Am

Its been a few months since I posted anything. I believe I just had to take a few steps back a few situations occurred and I found myself feeling completely blind sided by a few people I thought were actually close to me. It hurts but somehow I've finally got to the point where I say "okay God" "What do you want me to do" Sometimes its best to step back and analyze the situations before you make final decisions. I have definitely changed and I realize that I'm constantly in the process of changing. Getting to know me is realizing that I can't let those two relationships or friendships define who I am because they are not me. No matter how real my love is for people in my life if they don't display that to me then ultimately I am losing in the end. No portion of me hates them I will always love them in the Lord. People who don't show you remorse or make situations about them are not the people you can have around to assist you in making positive decisions in your life. Being who I am means that I will continue to love just as much as I did before in both relationships and friendships. However, this time I wont continue to trust people who don't respect me enough to protect me or to value what we had like I would.  I don't expect anyone to be just like me, or do things the way I will but loving yourself is understanding that some times you must love someone from a distance. Never allow hatred or forgiveness in your heart. Wake up and spread the love and joy you have inside because God Blessed you with it.

In Comparison to Death

When I first began blogging I entitled it Lyfe: Living vs Dying. At the time of my first entry I had been down and out over my break up. It was 11 months since we broke up.  I felt like I should have been over it and you can tell when people wish you would just stop talking about it already. I was tired of crying, waking up screaming, and the part where every portion of me would not stop aching. I wasn't hungry for days at a time. I had to remind myself to eat which is really sad because everyone who knows me knows that I loved cooking. I remember coming out of a procedure and wondering why I survived it I didn't want to. I had finally reached a point in which my hurt was so deep that in comparison with death I would certainly choose death. We had been back and forth for months the promises kept coming but not one action followed. I remember writing a letter to my self saying. ____ does not love you or care every promise that has been made is a lie so why do you keep listening to them? Why are you still waiting for someone to treat you better? I couldn't get rid of the hope that things would change. Writing that letter helped me cut all ties completely this time. Over the course of letting go I deactivated all social media,  three email addresses and changed my number three times. Every time my ex knew exactly what to say to get me back... to get me to wait.  It was the hardest thing letting go because I had to let the family go as well if I truly wanted to save myself. I felt like I was losing so much I was so close to them. I loved them like they were my family. My view of love has always been unconditional you do any and everything to keep someone you love happy. That's how I was raised. I believed in love real unconditional love that this person kept saying they had for me but never showed it. This world we live in is so messed up and in order for me not to wear this hurt for the rest of my life I had to do some serious praying and trusting God. I didn't want to punish myself for the rest of my life because I allowed myself to stay with someone who never saw my value. You are not the only person who felt like dying was a better option. However, I promise you there is light at the end of that dark lonely tunnel you feel. Sometimes good people get hurt but they never stay down for long. You have to determine when enough is enough no one can do that for you. Keep in mind that the people who you think will help you out of this can't mostly because they don't know how. Most importantly  do not allow the love you had for them to turn into hate God can not work that way. The truth is you will always love them that's what real love is... It gets easier though and if you allow God he will fill the void, and he will also send you someone worth loving when he sees your ready.

~Kai

I hope this helps as always email me I will always respond (Use this new email everyone):
 @kai_carr@outlook.com

Sometimes you stumble?

Good Morning,
              My heart has been very heavy  for about a week now. I was placed in a situation in which I feel like I stumbled backwards. I would like to talk to you about the trials and tribulations of moving forward after having your heart broken. I want you to forgive your self for still caring. I want you to forgive yourself for being upset, crying, feeling numb, or screaming. What ever it is its okay I don't want you to beat yourself up over someone who is not beating their self up over you. Yes, I know you can read them and yes I'm sure they did something to get a rise out of you and now everyone on the outside looking in only sees it as something you should be over. They say stop giving them power over you. Am I correct? The only thing you can hear your self say is: How could I have loved someone this much and they just don't care. I kicked my self so hard for allowing myself to get upset after all the progress I had made. The nightmares were gone, tears, that aching portion of my  heart was gone and I allowed one thing to just break me down. It took me a full week to process it and understand that my break down was not like it was in the beginning. I felt disrespected this time. I know what was done and yet I was being made to just feel like I was making it up. I cant tell you what people will or wont do when they love you, but I realize they have no right to. It hurts like all hell I know it does. Your life isn't the same. Release what happened and you tell your self "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". If they can still see you hurting and do nothing about it or talk to you like its nothing then you don't want them in your life.  It doesn't matter what you know it matters what they show. You can only leave them to God.  When I woke up out of my sleep this past weekend like I couldn't breathe like I use to when we first broke up I immediately told the devil to leave me alone. I ran to my prayer corner and asked God to forgive me because I was mad  we were in the same place again, I questioned God because he is so powerful and yet he allowed this encounter after everything I had been through. I begged God to remove my ex from my mind, hearts, thoughts, and all associations. I refuse to allow my life to be affected again over someone who hurt me so deeply.  Who lied to me not only about our future, but our friendship as well. The truth is I am not where I want to be but Ill never go back to who I was. I'm guilty for staying when I knew things were changing. I realized that I am not perfect and yes things could have been done differently, but I didn't deserve to be done that way. I did what I was supposed to do I did what I expected to receive back and that was love with all of me.  I don't regret having a big heart because that's who I am. I just wish I would have walked away sooner. This is truly a process, so please just don't give up on your self. Love is not easy but you can't do anything to change someone and you shouldn't want to either.  

Encounters

Today I met an amazing women who reminded me why I write my blog. Today she showed me a picture of her beautiful daughter. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. I had so much power in who I was, but I still was trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be. So I just asked myself what would I have wanted someone to tell me at that age. So this is to my younger self.
Dear Me,
   You are at a transitional period in your life. Where your struggling with your looks, friends, and society. Everyone you meet has something to say about you. How you look, dress, walk, and talk! It's so tiring and the only thing you want to be is you and part of you has no idea who that is. It's summer time you have no idea when it all changed when the men and even women now days began to see the beauty that you don't even know you posses. You went from going out side to play to walking into a world of people who only see your outside. Your walks to the store are now interrupted with men who only see one thing, who have one motive. There's a part of you that remembers your mothers words to just wait until marriage.... But there's tv, social media, and friends who tell you other wise. My advice is listen to your mother! Sex is not just sex. A kiss is not just a kiss and it's something I promise you you'll want to experience at the right time. That same girl who's sneaking boys in the house when her parents are at work will end up pregnant, raped or with a reputation she wishes she could overcome. Do not be the girl who claims she can have sex with no feelings! She's lying. I'm not telling you not to date I'm just reminding you not to let the butterflies you feel in your stomach control the decisions you make. Know that any one who loves you will wait for you and if they don't! God didn't send them. Take this time in your life to learn who you are and love yourself. What you see in the mirror is beauty embrace it. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. Anything you're missing you can get from God! Trust Me...

`Kai