Hello My Loves,
As I sit here and think about 2016. I must say I am extremely proud of my self. At first I couldn't see past sleeping alone and now I just see the endless possibilities. Ive learned to push myself, process, and proceed. Those are my three p's. I was really hurt and for quite some time I wore it in ways that not only affected my friendships, but work and family. Once I made the decision to let go it was even harder but it was possible. In March I pushed myself to clean up everything we had together that I was left with. I also obtained my real estate license, and I'm a notary public. I have a few things up my sleeve and with God I know more doors are opening.
There were many nights I laid there crying, even had moments at work where I would close my office door and just cry then I would dry my eyes and get back to work. I buried myself in expectation for myself. I wanted more for me. Before I felt so weak for allowing myself to be so hurt for loving so hard. Now I'm just trusting that it was not in vain. I wish I could express how good it feels to be able to just tell you how I feel when I get emails from you guys about your progress and journeys into loving yourself. It makes me happy to know my situation helps. Focusing on you is a good thing. Rushing your healing is a bad thing it only leaves open wounds that must heal. Building who you are should be the focus. Everyone heals differently and at different times. However lets focus on being a whole person instead of a half.
I just want to say thank you for being here with me. Both ups and downs your thoughtful words and prayers have truly helped. You deserve real love its just a little harder to find it in a world full of broken people. Don't rush your dating process get to know each other for who you truly are and not what you are trying to force them to be.
~Kai
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Monday, December 5, 2016
Be Careful With Your Heart
Hey My Loves!
So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.
Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.
Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.
I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.
My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.
~Kai
So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.
Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.
Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.
I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.
My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.
~Kai
Quick Follow Up & Q n A
Hey My Loves,
What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.
Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned
Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about
A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.
Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?
A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.
~Kai
What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.
Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned
Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about
A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.
Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?
A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.
~Kai
Sunday, December 4, 2016
What Total Forgiveness Feels Like
Heyyy Loves! Today I realized something absolutely amazing! I realized where I am in life. Do you have any idea what it feels like when your praying not to let your past control your future? I remember asking God to just let it hurt me for as long as he needed it to. Let my hurt do what it must let however long it was going to take because at the end of the day I wanted to be able to totally forgive my ex I refused to hate my ex. No matter what I knew that hate would affect me for a very long time. Instead I chose to love from a distance and trust God. I tried so many ways to just get closure and understanding. I tried so hard to understand what I did so wrong? How was I not the one for my ex? When I would do absolutely anything for us. Wow?
Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!
I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.
As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.
~Kai
Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!
I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.
As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.
~Kai
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Reflection: My Truth
Everybody who has ever hurt me, or lied on me I forgive you and I still love you.. none of us are perfect. I just have no desire to have you apart of my life. Life is just 2 short 2 respond to every negative thing people say about you. Yes, I heard what you said, what you posted and the other things as well. If it makes you feel better 2 paint a negative picture of me go ahead. If you can sit in a room and pass judgement on me & what I dealt with like it's nothing go right ahead. Does it somewhat bother me? Yes, it does because I never saw you doing that to me. I just don't have it in me to do anyone that way so I won't drop down to that level. LIFE is 2 short. I would never expect you to understand my hurt that's between me and my God. Instead I'll just say I'll never change my heart for someone who changed theirs towards me. God created the light trust and believe he will shine it on the situation when he sees fit. No love lost
Kai*
Kai*
Monday, October 10, 2016
Living Vs. Dying: Reflection
The end of the year is approaching fast. It's October already and then this is when it all began to happen. The death of my step father and little brother from my first relationship. Then another individual who touched my heart after the passing of my grandfather. We hear it often that life is short, but its more than that. Life is hard and confusing. Who is it safe to love? Who is it safe to trust? Losing those people changed me it made me realize I didn't want to die next. Seeing them leave me remembering the hurt it gave me the motivation to fight myself what I dealing with health wise and to also deal with my heart. I needed my life back. Who I was back and a better version of me. I wanted to be able to breathe again. My heart was tired of feeling like a knife was constantly being twisted in it. I finally said I couldn't hold on anymore to the hope that I had in my heart. I finally let go of the promises. Three people died before the end of the year and I just snapped. There It was! Reality in my face! I pressed pause on my life waiting. Waiting for us to be together again. I figured why would I date anyone else talk to anyone else. The thought of it literally made me sick. Attending two funeral will have that effect on you. It makes you look at your life. You reevaluate everyone and everything because it could all be gone tomorrow. I no longer wanted people in my life who showed that me being apart of their life wasn't as important to them as it was to me. I didn't want to cry anymore over someone who was okay with leaving our situation the way it was. Now I can look back on last year and just thank God for this year. I am truly blessed and alive. My heart is still big and I am learning daily to be the best version of myself now. I'm still trusting God.
Kai
Kai
Loving YourSelf 101: Being Who I Am
Its been a few months since I posted anything. I believe I just had to take a few steps back a few situations occurred and I found myself feeling completely blind sided by a few people I thought were actually close to me. It hurts but somehow I've finally got to the point where I say "okay God" "What do you want me to do" Sometimes its best to step back and analyze the situations before you make final decisions. I have definitely changed and I realize that I'm constantly in the process of changing. Getting to know me is realizing that I can't let those two relationships or friendships define who I am because they are not me. No matter how real my love is for people in my life if they don't display that to me then ultimately I am losing in the end. No portion of me hates them I will always love them in the Lord. People who don't show you remorse or make situations about them are not the people you can have around to assist you in making positive decisions in your life. Being who I am means that I will continue to love just as much as I did before in both relationships and friendships. However, this time I wont continue to trust people who don't respect me enough to protect me or to value what we had like I would. I don't expect anyone to be just like me, or do things the way I will but loving yourself is understanding that some times you must love someone from a distance. Never allow hatred or forgiveness in your heart. Wake up and spread the love and joy you have inside because God Blessed you with it.
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