Hey My Loves,
I miss writing! Life has been pretty busy, and I've finally got myself refocused on reaching some of my goals I want to accomplish. As we previously discussed I closed the chapter on my past, and now I'm dating.....
Guys I AM NOT a fan of dating lets juts be honest. I just want to be with that one person. I never wanted to be the dating type. I'd much rather go on dates with my person.
It's such a great feeling to be in a positive place. Knowing that I actually am excited to meet someone else. To be able to actually love someone who is devoted to loving me. Truthfully meeting someone I can vibe with and I'm attracted to is the worse. Sometimes I see people who I may be interested in but I FEAR REJECTION . I wouldn't know the first thing to say. Am I supposed to turn into one of those women who go for it and try to actually approach someone? I mean HOW in the world. I'm afraid to put myself out there.
I read something today that said "Don't search for love. It'll ruin the surprise". What do you guys think about that? It has me thinking. Maybe I should take things just a little bit slower. This could just be my season to continue trusting that everything I have been through was all apart of a plan. A plan for me to grow into the woman God has destined me to be. The women he needs me to be before I can actually bump into that person that God designed for me. Call it old fashioned but I still believe in being a hopeless romantic. I know I'll get my fairy tale ending. I'll just wait on it.
~Kai
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Writer Block Vs Where I am NOW
Hey My Loves,
Sometimes I ask myself how foolish was I to think that was love? How could I believe that I was actually supposed to survive off of words??
I'm dating which is still kind of hard because I realize I'm afraid. I'm so closed from the Idea of forever with anyone else. I admit I have no idea how to date. WHO to date ... Sounds crazy, but this is the first time in life I've actually dated. I've been in relationships so long. Anywho.. we shall see how this goes...
`Kai
Its been so long since I've written.. Possibly since I have no idea what to say anymore. I started this journey as an extremely broken hearted "little girl" lost. Hurting beyond measure.. hurting beyond words that I so desperately tried to express in my writing. Part of me felt that writing would help me.. help someone else and so I began.
So I met some amazing people through this journey each of us in different stages and piece by piece slowly healing each other with encouraging words and pep talks as we needed. When I began to feel better I didn't want to talk about it anymore its was like I could finally breathe again without hurting that hurt that made me want to foolishly give up on life.
So I met some amazing people through this journey each of us in different stages and piece by piece slowly healing each other with encouraging words and pep talks as we needed. When I began to feel better I didn't want to talk about it anymore its was like I could finally breathe again without hurting that hurt that made me want to foolishly give up on life.
Sometimes I ask myself how foolish was I to think that was love? How could I believe that I was actually supposed to survive off of words??
I'm dating which is still kind of hard because I realize I'm afraid. I'm so closed from the Idea of forever with anyone else. I admit I have no idea how to date. WHO to date ... Sounds crazy, but this is the first time in life I've actually dated. I've been in relationships so long. Anywho.. we shall see how this goes...
`Kai
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Love Myself... Whattt????
Hey My Loves,
I remember the first day I decided to blog and open the door of my life to my readers, and my friends who truly knew nothing about me. The shock so many people expressed when they couldn't believe the things I hid for years. The things only God knew I was truly embarrassed of. I titled my blog "Loving Yourself 101" and set my journey to find out what it was.... Who I was?... I remembered being told that I needed to "learn to love myself" by someone who I loved very much someone who ripped my insides out and made me question everything I had known.
I fought the words, and the voice that spoke them to me... They tortured me because I couldn't understand that someone could confuse my loving them for lack of loving myself. It took me every moment after those words were spoken until recently to realize that I didn't love myself ENOUGH. I couldn't have because a woman who loves all of her self would have found strength to walk away from how I was treated. I had to learn that I was not meant to have a ride or die mentality for a lovers who admit they treated us like we are nothing. They lost the ride or die rights the moment they told you they KNEW exactly how they were treating you.
For me loving myself was about being okay with me natural me. No make up, no extensions, my inside and my outside! My Thoughts! My Process! My Love! My Fears! My Doubts! My Childhood! My Parents! My Life! Everything about me, and be conscious of the fact that I am constantly changing.
I think as people we worry so much about losing everything we put into a person. It just not worth it. The only fight I want now out of this life is the one in which God's in my corner.
~Kai
I remember the first day I decided to blog and open the door of my life to my readers, and my friends who truly knew nothing about me. The shock so many people expressed when they couldn't believe the things I hid for years. The things only God knew I was truly embarrassed of. I titled my blog "Loving Yourself 101" and set my journey to find out what it was.... Who I was?... I remembered being told that I needed to "learn to love myself" by someone who I loved very much someone who ripped my insides out and made me question everything I had known.
I fought the words, and the voice that spoke them to me... They tortured me because I couldn't understand that someone could confuse my loving them for lack of loving myself. It took me every moment after those words were spoken until recently to realize that I didn't love myself ENOUGH. I couldn't have because a woman who loves all of her self would have found strength to walk away from how I was treated. I had to learn that I was not meant to have a ride or die mentality for a lovers who admit they treated us like we are nothing. They lost the ride or die rights the moment they told you they KNEW exactly how they were treating you.
For me loving myself was about being okay with me natural me. No make up, no extensions, my inside and my outside! My Thoughts! My Process! My Love! My Fears! My Doubts! My Childhood! My Parents! My Life! Everything about me, and be conscious of the fact that I am constantly changing.
I think as people we worry so much about losing everything we put into a person. It just not worth it. The only fight I want now out of this life is the one in which God's in my corner.
~Kai
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
A Look AT 2016
Hello My Loves,
As I sit here and think about 2016. I must say I am extremely proud of my self. At first I couldn't see past sleeping alone and now I just see the endless possibilities. Ive learned to push myself, process, and proceed. Those are my three p's. I was really hurt and for quite some time I wore it in ways that not only affected my friendships, but work and family. Once I made the decision to let go it was even harder but it was possible. In March I pushed myself to clean up everything we had together that I was left with. I also obtained my real estate license, and I'm a notary public. I have a few things up my sleeve and with God I know more doors are opening.
There were many nights I laid there crying, even had moments at work where I would close my office door and just cry then I would dry my eyes and get back to work. I buried myself in expectation for myself. I wanted more for me. Before I felt so weak for allowing myself to be so hurt for loving so hard. Now I'm just trusting that it was not in vain. I wish I could express how good it feels to be able to just tell you how I feel when I get emails from you guys about your progress and journeys into loving yourself. It makes me happy to know my situation helps. Focusing on you is a good thing. Rushing your healing is a bad thing it only leaves open wounds that must heal. Building who you are should be the focus. Everyone heals differently and at different times. However lets focus on being a whole person instead of a half.
I just want to say thank you for being here with me. Both ups and downs your thoughtful words and prayers have truly helped. You deserve real love its just a little harder to find it in a world full of broken people. Don't rush your dating process get to know each other for who you truly are and not what you are trying to force them to be.
~Kai
As I sit here and think about 2016. I must say I am extremely proud of my self. At first I couldn't see past sleeping alone and now I just see the endless possibilities. Ive learned to push myself, process, and proceed. Those are my three p's. I was really hurt and for quite some time I wore it in ways that not only affected my friendships, but work and family. Once I made the decision to let go it was even harder but it was possible. In March I pushed myself to clean up everything we had together that I was left with. I also obtained my real estate license, and I'm a notary public. I have a few things up my sleeve and with God I know more doors are opening.
There were many nights I laid there crying, even had moments at work where I would close my office door and just cry then I would dry my eyes and get back to work. I buried myself in expectation for myself. I wanted more for me. Before I felt so weak for allowing myself to be so hurt for loving so hard. Now I'm just trusting that it was not in vain. I wish I could express how good it feels to be able to just tell you how I feel when I get emails from you guys about your progress and journeys into loving yourself. It makes me happy to know my situation helps. Focusing on you is a good thing. Rushing your healing is a bad thing it only leaves open wounds that must heal. Building who you are should be the focus. Everyone heals differently and at different times. However lets focus on being a whole person instead of a half.
I just want to say thank you for being here with me. Both ups and downs your thoughtful words and prayers have truly helped. You deserve real love its just a little harder to find it in a world full of broken people. Don't rush your dating process get to know each other for who you truly are and not what you are trying to force them to be.
~Kai
Monday, December 5, 2016
Be Careful With Your Heart
Hey My Loves!
So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.
Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.
Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.
I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.
My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.
~Kai
So I was asked how do I feel about dating now. The truth is when I wasn't ready it was petrifying my mind wasn't ready for it my heart wouldn't even entertain the idea. Now I'm okay with it because I gave myself time to reevaluate my life and decide what I wanted going forward.
Ladies, the truth is I said HELL no at first. That was it I wasn't dating again. Wasn't trying and that was that! I remember saying God himself would have to come here and say "Kai this is who I have chosen for you". A little over the top maybe but I'm just being honest. Before I could even answer could I see myself with some one else. I wanted to know myself.
Often we don't know who we are. Are you a closed person and emotional person? Are you an angry person who makes everyone else pay for the ex who cheated or the disturbed person who raped you as a child. I learned that I am just a very trusting person. I open up my heart and I show who I am to people who are definitely not worthy of it.
I learned that I can be too honest some times and every one can not handle that. There are so many people in this world who play games and I for one just can not be that person. If I like you I like you. I have faith that I'll meet someone who isn't looking to play games either.
My heart is a special prize it comes with loyalty, respect and true dedication for the right person. I am a total package for the right person. Which is why I chose celibacy and protecting my heart. Know your worth ladies. I may have only been in two relationships but they both came with a life time of lessons that I will remember.
~Kai
Quick Follow Up & Q n A
Hey My Loves,
What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.
Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned
Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about
A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.
Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?
A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.
~Kai
What can I say besides life is soo much better at this time in my life. Yes, I am still single but I feel amazing. I feel blessed that God saved me from my past. I'm slowly learning what stepping out on faith is. Its honestly the scariest thing you will decide to do. However once you do you'll have no regrets. More so like walking on a cloud but knowing with God you will never fall.
I am actually excited about what the new year has to bring. I left so many people in 2015, and the beginning of 2016 that I truly believe I should have never been around. I no longer wonder if someone has my back. I know that these people who are around will never leave my side. These people love me and understand how I process life. They support me and I am blessed to have them.
Starting over is scary. In this world you meet a lot of people who have been hurt. Loved the wrong one's and others who just plain give up. Well for me that's not an option. I will be blessed with the right person again when the time is right. For now I enjoy being selfish with me. This time I'm not settling and believe it or not this way is so much easier. You are truly not ready to be with any one else unless you are okay with being by yourself. Going forward I will still address over coming some things in the past... After all it took me two years to get where I am today. I will also talk about where I am in life and my newest accomplishments. So Stay tuned
Q: There seems to be blocks of the break up that you don't talk about
A: I will admit that I have tons of blogs that I have not made public because after all I am discussing a lot of my personal life when I blog. My purpose was to encourage other women to love who they are. To be able to define yourself before you allow anyone else to do so.
Q: I notice that you never specify sex when you talk of your exes?
A: Well I was wondering when that was going to come up. I however believe that both heterosexual and homosexual relationships face some of the same trials. Gender is not the focus. The situations are.
~Kai
Sunday, December 4, 2016
What Total Forgiveness Feels Like
Heyyy Loves! Today I realized something absolutely amazing! I realized where I am in life. Do you have any idea what it feels like when your praying not to let your past control your future? I remember asking God to just let it hurt me for as long as he needed it to. Let my hurt do what it must let however long it was going to take because at the end of the day I wanted to be able to totally forgive my ex I refused to hate my ex. No matter what I knew that hate would affect me for a very long time. Instead I chose to love from a distance and trust God. I tried so many ways to just get closure and understanding. I tried so hard to understand what I did so wrong? How was I not the one for my ex? When I would do absolutely anything for us. Wow?
Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!
I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.
As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.
~Kai
Now I can step out of the situation and look back at it and say thank you. I even feel bad for ever talking to people who I thought could be trusted about what happened. I thought they could give me some type of understanding but it only made things worse. People have a way of telling what you told them and adding their spin on it. It's truly sad but I forgive them anyway. I'm not the type of person who opens up easily so when that happened I felt so disrespected so hurt and upset! However I thank God for it. I wanted people to know how I felt which I realize is impossible. When you can actually see there name, hear it and it doesn't sting any more you win! All of those sleepless tear filled nights are worth your healing your process. You can actually know you don't wish them any harm you can actually pray for them! Stop faking your healing! It will only cause you destruction in the end! SO what if it takes you a while to get over it or to let it go trust me I felt like at times I was lying to feel better so people wouldn't hit me with the "here she goes again" "all she does is talk about her ex"! Lol screw those people they never were true in the first place! I remember coaching myself to say I forgive you even when I didn't mean it because I promised myself one day I would forgive completely. It took me one year to stop with the back and forth and one year after that to realize I loved myself way too much to continue to try for someone who I no longer know. That is not the person I fell in love with and I was in love with the fantasy of who we use to be and what we promised we would always be not what we became!
I look forward to meeting someone I can be myself with. I look forward to falling in love with the right person. I can honestly say I'm happy all of this happened. I get to reach out to women to be the inspiration they need. I get to tell them that you will definitely smile again. That they are beautiful . I get to say after all this you are worthy of your hearts desires. I get to say when you take time out to realize it was never you! Soon as you realize that your heart can open again. Know who you are before you allow someone else to write your story.
As always protect your heart but don't close it. You deserve to be loved just this time give the right person a chance.
~Kai
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)