The reality of moving on places you in this weird unknown space after you have been hurt. When you meet someone worth giving your attention to you begin to rethink every word you ever spoke before.. You begin to relive the fear the hurt because its literally all you can think about. The PAST.... if you let it robs you of those special moments you could have because all you can think about is the hurt that can follow. Which is why I realize I have been so BLOCKED... Unable to write or think clearly... Its like I needed to say some thing something else besides the dozen of happy moving on with my life blogs I've written before!!
This SHIT has been very very hard....
Writing Writing Writing.... Wondering where to start or what to say to you seems like I said all I had to.... Goodbye...I Never Want to see you again....Etc...Etc
I guess none of it matters what was said before... I feel differently...I know I'll never understand how we ended up not together more importantly getting to the point where you felt you had to lie to me. Honestly, It was a very long journey for me very. It was like the moment you walked out of my life my world shattered my heart literally broke and the world as I knew it no longer existed. We argued so much towards the end It didn't make sense. Two weeks before we broke up after we left the hospital you looked at me and said let's just pack up and leave get away from all of this.
It broke me down fighting for you everyday phone calls, texts me actually begging you to give us a chance to work on us. I tried so hard SO HARD. I remember the sleepless nights waking up all alone wishing I could just lay on your chest like I use to. Man I missed the smell of you, your touch, even that silly little laugh of yours. Every time we talked I believed you when you said our tattoos meant something to you! I believed you when you said "we would always be". I believed you when you begged me to trust you reminding me that we would be together that you would find your way home. (MAN I was COMPLETELY BLIND) I remember dinner with your mother a year later when she said she has just talked to you earlier that day and you had to get it together that you couldn't come home "empty handed". OH.... how I prayed to God every single day to bring you back to me. To just let us make it. I begged God to just help me be the best version of myself for you because you meant that much to me.
I remember the emails that you sent after I changed my number. The ones I read so many times that I literally could recite them word for word. How stupid was I? Waiting...Waiting...Waiting.. Loving you so much trusting your every word. I loved you so much it consumed me to the point it almost destroyed me. I battled with depression for so long after you left. It wasn't until much later that I realized You took a part of me that I never should have given you. I gave you all of me. Mind, body, soul and spirit all of which belongs to God First. You were my King, I worshipped everything about you. When I was an after thought to you.
It took me two full years to let you go. To accept the fact that I wasn't where you wanted to be. It took me one year to find out you already were cheating with her before we even broke up. I remember driving home from work receiving that message that said you need to SEE this... It was a FB post from your new girl friend that said happy 2year anniversary. TWO YEARS...seemed odd since we were just approaching our one year of being over. I pulled over on the side of the road and remembered crying for what seemed like hours that day. It made sense now it was easy for you to leave! It never hurt you because you left a long time ago!! It was my proof right there you cheated you were already in a full blown relationship and still coming home to me. It messed me up so bad. You started off as my "bestie" my friend...someone I believed was genuine someone who could see my hurt promised me I deserved better. I missed you and our friendship for a long time.
You were my world. I was sooo angry so very angry with God sooo angry I was so crushed by you and your family. God I trusted your mom she was my mom. How could she let me believe you were really working on yourself for me??!! I was so hurt I talked to her more than my Mother. I loved your family so much I was lifeless inside. Any mention of your name was like a knife in my soul! I had to let you go! I had to let them all go... I didn't know what to say anymore..who to trust anymore. In the end I know they loved me and I apologize for letting go but I had to I had to... They were your family NOT mines. The kids I miss them sooo much, but I just didn't think it was fair to them to keep coming around as shattered as I was.
August of 2016 was the last time I spoke/ saw you or any of them. I had given you to much power over my life I wanted ME back! It was the hardest thing I had to do. But it was the best thing for me. I blocked everyone from everything and I placed all of my energy into asking god to heal me.. Every day I said "God you health the broken in heart and binds up their wound" (Psalms 147:3) I prayed constantly REPEATED it constantly.. As I wrote blog after blog and met more women like myself I began to feel again like a person and not pathetic. I was finally healing. Telling everyone I forgave you hoping one day it would be true.. I couldn't believe you would lie on me.. but if lying on me makes you feel better about your choice to literally SHIT on me my the way you did then I'll leave that between you and GOD.
Man you hurt me so much I remember constantly saying to myself I would have been fine with you leaving definitely crushed but I LOST all respect for you knowing you literally moved from our home to a home with her and still kept begging me to stay by your side. I could have never promised you those things and you know exactly what I meant. Crazy I thought we were this real life story of two lovers destined to be that we would some how find our way back together.
BUT by the grace of God its a year later and even though I will never know why I'm honestly okay with that.
I trust GOD has his reasons for this. I hope you're okay out there in this world.. I truly do...I figure we may bump into each other one day knowing we probably wont speak and I've grown to be okay with that as well. That was a hurt that I don't believe any words can ever truly explain
I just wanted to say Thank you though. I'll never say I was perfect, but I do know I never deserved the hurt. I never did anything to risk losing you, but I trust God's will. If it wasn't for how we ended I would NOT be where I am today. No day has been easy, but I'm blessed. I'm about to take a major step in my life & I think I needed to say all this. You were right though WWAB because you taught me so may things I will never forget.
From my heart to you.
-Kai
( Forgiving you was the hardest thing*)
